What is sacred

What is sacred?

Today the ones who make up the rules
Decided to make nothing sacred.
Not life, not liberety, not the pursuit of happiness.

Today they decided to condone irreverence.
To celebrate disrepect. To make profanity the norm.

Today they aborted devotion and replaced life with death, truth with lies, and hope with discouragement.

Today everything untoucheable was touched, corrupted and spit on by the mundane dirt of this world.

Nothing is sacred in their eyes. Nothing worth protecting. Nothing is pure. Nothing worthy of respect. Nothing hallowed.

To their satisfaction they receive no respect. No protection, no reverence.

Today the rights of every one is gone . For nothing and no one is worthy of protection.

This is the choice they made. Because what was once sacred no longer exists. Protection under the law was given to those who preach blasphemy, as a result they are no longer protected , as well.

Diver City

He said that he wanted to dive in
Where? Diver city. Everyone is different but very similar as well. Some are smart, and some can not spell. Some are fragrant while others smell
Unpleasant.

Equity is the improvements that increase value. Are people more valuable when there are many or few?
To increase the value of human beings, it adds equity by elimination. Without knowledge of individual strengths and weakness.  how to eliminate based on value or lack of value. The valuable will resist,  and those that the rulers value most are the least valuable due to their enslavability. 
The regime as the elite soon to break chopping off the limbs that bring pleasure to life. They lack foresight to a world driven by inclusion. Yes we all want everyone included , through mandates and force, not even coersion. 
There are more of us than them.  And they have no legs to stand on. Their product has no legs . Their future is futile. Ours is substantial. Has legs has substance. Survival of the fittest. Not those who throw fits.

Dead?

I am through the wall

You can’t block me out. No, you can’t hear me, and i can’t hear you.

I didn’t know that i was dead. No wonder I’ve been stuck for so long.

No friends, no family, ask about me. I guess i just thought they forgot. Until i speak to you and get no reaction, no response, not even a nod.

I walk your dog every day. I clean your cats litter box. But i’m not even here anymore.

I thought you just hated me. But now i know that I’ve been dead for a while. So i guess it’s time to go.

Would you tell me

Thirty years i have been dead. When were you going to tell me.

Was it going to be when you left me behind? When you took my girls and raised them wrong?

Would you tell me on my birthday? Or maybe the day after?

Maybe you told me, and i wasn’t listening. I guess i do that much too often. I didn’t want to know that i was supposed to go.

It gets so quiet here all alone. Waiting and hoping for someone who cares. They will never find me, why didn’t you say that i can’t be found because i’m already gone

One time, it seemed as if there was something to strive for to hope for , to achieve. When was that feeling? Why was it there? If only i could feel that again, then this emptiness wouldn’t feel so heavy. I can’t breathe. It weighs me down with chains around my neck. Cutting into the flesh? I can’t tell. The pain is in my soul, where i no longer bleed.

Goodbye to noone

I want to know why i can’t have love, or even a friend as far as that goes. It’s too late to try. I’m getting old and i wasted everything to find out that i can’t have what others have. I’m ready to give up and slice through my flesh to end this sad lonesome loathsome waste of breath. The hopes i once had will never be realized. Approaching 60 is a worse fate than death, when all that i have accomplished is insanity. Am i schizophrenic? They say yes, i am. But if i was, i would have those friends inside of my head who laugh at me and mock my every move. Even they went away. Just like all the rest, they never cared.

Zelinski’s Playbook

First we will begin with the parallels. Charasmatic reality show star , Ukrainian President Zelinski , country worships(?) Stands with him.. Russia wants to regain Ukraine, since it had once been part of Russia.

ZELINSKI imprisoned his political opponenents, why??? Perhaps they were crooked traitors who were guilty of selling out their country, racketeering, and high treason.

Russia joined forces with Turkey etc…against NATO and the Liberal new world order

The Clintons began selling out the U.S. A. Along with Joe Biden, Obama, Pelosi. Through George Soros , big pharma, George gets his hearts from China through organ harvesting. He must be 150. Years old by now.

They were afraid that Trump would put them in prison the way Zelinski did his opponents, but the libs were on him like white on rice before he got his foot in the door , and they never let up on him. All of the crimes they were guilty of had not been revealed and when he left office he took damaging information against the whole lot. Now they want to put him in prison for taking ” classified information” of which he had FULL AUTHORITY to do since as President it was within the scope of his office to DE-CLASSIFY.

NOW, i would like to know why this has all played out so conveiniently, is it the organ harvesting? U.S. funded labratories abroad creating deadly viruses? AI human cloning robotics? Cyborg armies, transgender child mutilations, human trafficing, pedophilia?

Where will it end? No one wants this future for our planet do they? Really? We want autonomy, to be left alone in our seperate countries, without war over rescourses, without the greedy elite class governing what we think and say and do, or how we travel from here to there. Whether we engage in SELF harm is no one elses business. Whether we cherish our men and women and everyone inbetween, and the way we do it is no one elses business. We know what we find acceptable in this neck of the woods and we have a constitution to help guide us through the mucky water. Canada was getting ready to reclaim the U.S. for England per the Queens orders, but now she is dead. But her intentions were pure and good, what the U.S. has been doing for far too long needed to come to a halt. We needed to examine what is happening with tax payer money, where it is being spent. We needed to regroup, discect, and establish what we believe as humankind, what is beneficial and what is destructive .. what is good and what is evil, what is life affirming and what supports our demise….. everything in moderation, my mother always said… EVERYTHING in moderation.

I was responsible for going insane. In a society that preached of a higher power. Witches don’t believe in this. They worship nature, that which would destroy mankind if given a chance, and has in many instances. They worship themselves, claiming to worship self in others, but only if you show concern for their cause.  Claim your power to create, but deny your ability to do so by promoting abortion “rights” but deny the death penalty to those who take life forgranted and take the life of another. It’s the same goddamned thing. And i have committed it as well, with many regrets!

Go ahead , call yourself a witch. Claim responsibility for your own life, stop blaming everyone else for where you have failed. Isn’t that supposed to be what it’s all about?

I used to call myself a witch, yet in doing so i went insane. I’ve seen how magic works and it travells a long way before accomplishing its mission. And the dagers sent from others land upon the ones you love. This is not power , it is the opposite. Denying admittance of shortcomings to what they call empowerment is a joke. Have they really gained anything worthy from practicing a craft that aims to destroy humanity?  Because nature will survive long after we are gone. We the blessed , given life on a planet that perceives us as parasites, yet given a conscience to do right by it anyway.

Nature is not God, it is the manifestation of a creators mind.  That tiny spark of life that you abort WAS creation. BUT YOU WEREN’T  READY to accept the consequence of your actions. Claiming the right to do with your body what you choose. Why then can a murderer not do with your body as they choose? Its the same with late term abortions, they want to harvest the organs so that another human can continue to live longer, not giving any rights to the innocent child sacrificed along the way. This is how witches are sacrificing babies. Drawing apon the power to take the life that they could have given, for what do they gain in return? An opportunity to suceed in a career that has no emotion for them.  If the magic they practice is real then prove it. Make money appear before our eyes, make piles of gold land within your grasp, make yourself popular, make yourselves rich, why depend on social programs provided by the government. I haven’t been able to do any of these things, these are the the things one can accomplish if driven by true will power, not the power of the will.

Drink the blood of your aborted, take away every one elses right to defend themself against the government that says they will care for your health and well being. They won’t. All they will do is control your health, your money , your education and your soul.

Giant Rain Cloud

Everything it experienced
Gathered up together
Making it large and full of tears.
The ocean, lakes, and streams,
All became the rain cloud.
As it flew in the sky with the sun and the moon, it began to feel so very heavy.
So heavy with the burdons of the lake and the stream, so heavy with sadness it knew it would burst, leaving itself just a fragment of who it once had been.
The thunder in the weight of its worries ,
Struck lightening into the darkened sky,
Shining so bright and powerful ,
Connecting the cloud to the earth.
The rain cloud illuminated all the fears and struck them down to size.
It burst the rain that fell to the ground , rejoining the ocean , lakes, and streams.
Nourishing the trees, the plants growing fruits and veggies, and providing every living thing with hydration. Making them feel refreshed so that they could live on.
The giant raincoud felt so alive in this moment but had become a fragment of who it had been just minutes ago. If not for the cloud, the creatures below would have whithered in the scortching sunlight and surely would have parished.
The cloud felt happy again for the moment it could join the creatures of the planet in their fun and frolick . But it had lost itself along the way. It was no longer heavy with the burdons and sadness it felt before the storm. It had become light as a feather as its worries went away in a flash of lightening that illuminated the world.

She sits behind the wheel

As the days, and weeks, and months keep moving forward, she was left behind; with what concerns her.

She disappeared before we knew, and her smile still reckons us to return for memories sake.

Holding on to the things that keep her with us, the clutter on the table, the un touched car she drove from here to where she felt most at home; her passion for fashion, creating beautiful memories for everyone else.

It hurts to say good-bye. To clean away the mess , to touch what was the last things she touched, as moss and mold take hold of our denial, our sorrow and our regrets. Reminding us just how long such a short time has become. Blessed be Victoria.

From here

From

From here we move on
To the worlds we’ve created.
For ourselves to endure,
What we’ve set before others.

Whether pleasant or painful,
Our choice has been made,
By the actions we serve,
To the guests we’ve assured.

Take heed with the decision,
To harm or to help
For the next place you go,
Will present that alike.

Taking thrill in watching the torture of others
And other such sinister attractions you might seek

This is the fate for your souls’ future intake.

In providing a life of comfort and bliss,
By giving from love your morrow to be blessed.

Springs fallen pride

It unfolds and folds , like the flag stitched in gold. Overlapping, face to face, then in thirds many times. To be wrong is a gift that should be felt with morgue. As nothing can tell of the learning , the yearning , to understand more.

It’s useless to play with the truth and be dealt this raw hand. If not then the enemy could cut through the plan. So obvious and calculated stretching beyond . But don’t count on it fooling the rival too long .

Withstand the confusion , the lines in the sand. Don’t look for an answer beyond where you stand. Trust that the knowledge or ignorance forms a veil. That they broadcast a filter is easy to smell, but the dark money tales to deceive we inhale.

Spoiled we are in demanding it strait. It’s been happening since that time in Berlin. Something emerged that none of us saw. And maybe it grows stronger when caged in a wall?

The only thing certain are mistakes that we hide, what makes it so hard to admit on BOTH sides? I was wrong so many times and it doesn’t seem right, to move on without facing up and admitting this plight. No one can be right 100% and everyone needs to say to themselves and the rest ” i’m sorry, i was wrong . I confess my perception and the actions i took , were cloaked in resentment burried under prides tiny foot.”

This isn’t how we do it

They taught us to never accept censorship, banning, prejudice.

Words are banned by prejudice authoritarians, claiming prejudice as their reason. Yet reason never enters their mind. To reason is to explore all view points and balance them with reasonable solutions.

Censorship was the gateway to communism. Dictatorships , and human rights violations. Judging a word based on individual perceptions ( prejudice) or a book on the words it contains denies any rational understanding of liturature and perhaps the society in which the words express reality of that time.

You can not rewrite history, until now. What idiots have we placed in power to allow for the past to no longer exist. Judging people based on ideological beliefs, demonizing them for trying to protect themselves and the people they love from becoming slaves to this ” new world order” . Is that not prejudice in its purest form, that which they claim to dispise?

Medical preferences are soon to be denied as well. It is a sick and twisted game of gaslighting, the greater good, assimilation or destroyed. The army is preparing to send pregnant women to the front lines and reassigning gender to those too young to make the choice, (the ones not murdered at birth for their living organs to transplant.) To send off to war at age 16 . This all in the name of preserving the planet with population control… but dropping bombs is completely in the best interest of the planet? Transporting oil by train will cause more damage to the environment ( and human lives) than any pipeline.

How can those who claim to care so much be willing to allow the government to control every aspect of our lives?. Not enough research has been done to understand the effect of altering our RNA Permenantly. They don’t know. We are the guinnie pigs lining up for this experiment. Already in phase three or four.

We can not give up our rights to choose, free speach, bare arms, public assemble, our history and the lessons we were taught by our parents…. those of us not ripped away by the government through the foster care programs…. a democratic program dshs, department of Social and health services…. Government agencies have only hurt society .Much more than conservatives ( less government controlled) who protect every states authority to represent its citizens without Federal interference. Keeping state issues “state issues”. When cuts are proposed by republicans they are speaking of cuts on the federal level , excess paper pushers… the things states should be handling so they can focus on protecting the citizens from danger, like terrorists and illegal.. ILLEGAL criminals from taking away the rights of the LEGAL citizens in this country.

So narrow the mind that refuses to listen, explore both sides of the coin. A bird can not fly with only one wing it needs both the left and the right.

Admitting their wrongs is the first action to take. Being stubborn only proves that their minds are too shallow to allow any possiblity of mistakes they have made. We all make mistakes. I’ve admitted my own , too many to count but never too late, until this time it very well may be. I was wrong, that is all they need to say ,they made mistakes. Is it that hard to admit? Our lives don’t matter to them. They play us like fools and maybe we are. But truth is truth no matter how its dressed.

Empty sight

Looking past your eyes, the moments that you compromise. The fear entangled in your hair gives nothing but a cold dark stare.

The journey in your mind believes the faint smile on your face. Turns away the truth before you stand to walk into an empty world.

Searching still a vision spent without a dime. There’s no more time for waging lies to pay your debt, the fee’s been  due for weeks now.

Devoid of any mercy for the used,  devalued one mistaken .  Worthless  in your glaring condescention.  Aside, you will not recognize the value placed before you.

Beyond your gaze i will emblaze the ultimate gift you’ve wagered. Such wasted effort from behind the shed inside your tears. I won’t be looking back again for reason to the fear.

He made a popping sound

I’m sorry, mr. spider, i had to do it because, you know inside the humans dwelling place, you’re risking your life as you go.

I didn’t want to do it. I hate the sound. But too many times i’ve experience the pain from the bites received from your kind.

I know the life you live is short compared to mine. Hoping that where your tiny soul moves from here is to a place without any fear to redefine.

Find peace little popper. Find forgiveness for me. I made it quick so that you could see , my motive was true for you to not suffer. Acquit my crime and bleed the time move on from this circumstance with free will.

Mothers Day

From all the mistakes that a mom can make, a child’s love rises above in the wake. Brings a smile to the plate when all is taken by the wind and the rain. Lucky, I am to have children so kind. Forgiveness given in time , to unwind all the heartache. Are we really grown ? Are we really mature? Sometimes i feel like the child when compared with her, Or them. My pride, my greatest accomplishment, these girls grown up too fast. Their hearts are made of the most precious gold. I never expected this love would unfold. For all the mistakes a mother could make, my babies never were.

Too write the Wrong

Keep going, don’t look behind , It can’t be too late to forget the heartbreak of betrayal. Seeing tomorrow full of inspiration. Finding dawn after a long and stormy night.

It’s not easy getting dressed to run on a schedule after so long living with no clear cut purpose. I thought there was a reason but the reason was as much of a lie as the cotton spun. Fear and justice are great distractions from living and success.

Saying hello to a stranger in passing , one feels nothing. Being able to convey the feeling to the stranger brings peace to an overworked mind. it’s time to redress it’s time is now. Feels nothing for monsters from ages gone by.

There was not time for dreaming or plans to become in tomorrow. It’s just to be just find justice behind. won’t find it there only pain to gain. This springtimes rain will soak into the soul cleansing every cell every atom of this reality now.

NOW

BURN IT DOWN.

Burn it now.

Burn,burn, burrrrnnn.

Nothing matters now.

We’ll tear it down to the ground to bring us up , and bring them ’round. Into oblivion.

taking over this town. Making ashes as we go,

nothing matters any more.

Even the score.

All the trash we carry, in our soul, we’re dumping in the streets to even the score.

Burn it, burn it, burn it now.

No one matters any more.

Nothing matters

NOW

BURNNNNNN.

March forth

Scared when you said it was all in my head. As you know we all watched unfold, what was funny; you thought, didn’t you know? I wanted to warn you i wanted it to stop, but no one would believe me unless it came to be.

I feel the fear strong now , this time I know why. As time ticks on, are we really gone? as the ones in charge escape our funeral pyre?

Every hope , get them to go, where they meet fate eye to eye. This is our world they won’t to destroy.  Let them fall prey to the games they play. It’s been tranparent from day won.

Something to look forward from, i see the twinkle in their smiles. The innocent ones torn down by their rage to hold me hostage as they wage. But the tables have turned. My victory sour. I never wanted too see this hour.

The price we pay  fare freedom to use. Abuse, destroy.  What miracle will fend for our hearts to believe , to bring the powerful to their knees? Their logic it lies, reality a screen. Will never admit who failed the scheme.

In jest and swallow

It’s not right to fight, realities battles of might. Weathered strories of deciept continue to creep, through the long forgotten hallways, in search of an exit sign.

When they call on me , sometimes forgotten, my enlistment. Deployed before the General admits our mission reassigned, just to keep us all in line on our toes we redefine. Ready for action yes sir, no questions asked, they wouldn’t hear. We have no fear it’s us or them , simply put it’s them!

We are here when said and done. A little worn for days begun holding true  and yes a gun. We won’t surrender , this is OUR LAND. So take your media circus lies, they will tell them anyway. We won’t back down , not in this town. In jest your terror swallow the fear. We don’t hear false claims they told.  we hold our flag and make it  gold.

Too Late to Feel

The days have all grown cold and still. Reasons to breath have lost their will. It’s not that there’s sadness or pleasure still, life is numb without a stearing wheel.

Too much, already , this life goes on, and on with nothing to grasp, as pride is long gone.

Hope? Lost it’s meaning when Faith lost its’ name. Nothing to believe in, it’s such a shame.

Identities lost, can no longer fain who we are, whether we’re different or all the same. But hush speak not of the truths you hold, and give them no color or place in the fold.

Speach can no longer contain what we feel, or think, or know . Your mother, your father can no longer be, just parents i guess or guardians you see.

Women aren’t women, and men no longer men. We are all one now, or many within. He and she dissapeared or escaped through the walls , with justice, no more than a sad wake up call, that came too late or the alarm never rang. It was blind and deaf to the naked truth that we sang.

It’s never been your decision to make.

Considerate sure but why give then take.

I know where I’m failing and I can’t seem to shake

This predestined life with my will at stake.

It’s not fair to you or to me in reality

I can’t understand how I let it just be

It’s never been my choice this life I live now.

I never wished to become anyone’s cow.

But here I sit daily waiting to give milk

I wish i only knew how to escape .

It was hypnotherapy that started my fall

Could we do that again giving me this time control

my destiny is waiting for this to unfold.

Betrayal

I should know better, by now it seems, I guess I am always just two steps behind.

Such manipulation can’t be explained, why? To make me defend what I can’t comprehend?

If the tables were turned, you would walk away, without any words to answer my question.

No you would defend the ones tearing me down to the ground to be under your feet. To stomp on my ego again just because, And tearing away where I put my trust.

If the stories are truth, than you get what you get, tenfold its been told, without regret.

My empathy, my will to resist . Won’t ever again rise to your defense. Forgetting my soul on your behalf will never forget , never regret, never subject to your deviant trap.

Dick Tator

When the sun comes out this spring

We won’t remember any thing

Our faces drawn ,

Masked to cover our denial.

Tell me what to say

with out a smile

We forgot about the dream

Can’t remember anything

Inside our hearts have turned away

From the distance

How i feel about today.

Let me know what I’m to think.

It was gone inside a blink..

Tears don’t fall from eyes too blind

To see

we gave away the lives we lead

Future wine to swallow,

Red and dry.

Totalled

It started before i ever started to socialize. what in the hell are these people doing? Why would I want to even know what they are all about? I guess only because they think they have me figured out. So the prudish looking soccer moms were “rescued” from solidarity by these compassionate men. who in the fuck wants that? those aren’t real men. real men are too busy doing guy stuff and getting their dicks wet. pussys and lesbians are next on my agenda i fucking gotta laugh so hard. not interested in anyone, get that? got that? and they will make it look as such , somehow, some way. but I will be watching what they are throwing at me. i have been watching all along. so my split enz were driving me insane, did you ever listen to the band… their one hit wonder makes perfect sense for the majority of people who can’t survive without companionship. Im damn sure that I can and will. without getting fat thank you, or falling prey to anyone willing to sacrifice a moment or two of their precious lives to trap me into submission. so it will take 3 weeks for my hair to grow incredibly fast , long, and healthy. no ones watching because they think they got it figured out and basically think that they won. go ahead celebrate, vertabrae.like your kind repeatedly continue to do year after fucking retarded year,

where does it get you. no closer to your affluential cavity or mainstream recognition. oh the media, how rediculous is that, fame, how much does that cost? fortune? what strings does that concept hold. success? by whoms standards? and at what price. none of it is worth it. none of it makes any real sense. life has passed by before you had a single moment to enjoy it from serching for all those things that can never be truly grasped. all the while mocking those who already had all of the prizes under their hat/feet/belt whatever wherever they had it .they never acknowledged, because….. the art of not wishing for any of it was unphathomable… i go now to join the human race, to strive for meanial materialistic prizes for effort put forth. I dont know if i will succeed, or continue to flounder. but throw what you will at me, you wont see me fail, succumb, or conceed to any one. i dont need it, never have.

Asinine assumptions

Your guesses
build you up.
She let them slide,
having nothing to hide.
She never told you
what she wanted,
from you or anyone.

Your assumptions
try to claim her heart,
to reject as you plan for
her to fall.

She never claimed you
to be hers.
Even her dreams spell it
plain.
but you drag her through,
what you expect.

To put
her feelings in,
a net.

Hers are small
they escape the woven ropes
of your deceipt.
Its nice to think
a smile and a wink.
Not your plan to vindicate
someone who’s world
would have sank without
her pity .

Your facts were wrong
her motives pure,
and you still pretend she cares,
while you pretend you don’t.
She won’t be crying when
you’re done.
It was all for fun.

Sure alone she will retreat,
but that’s where she finds,
herself.

Happiness.
Always landing on her feet.

Tired eyes

I wish I could keep awake

Just an hour more

Or two.

I want to read the things

All you strangers have written.

I know them just like you

Know mine.

Are we writing for another

When the words spill

To the paper?

I wish my quiet kept me

Safer from your grimy hands.

Protected from the judgements

You make of me then laugh.

I do the same to you

You know because it helps

To heal my pain.

The one i let you inflict again

And again.

Stabbed in the face

Whether the stories told,
had an ounce of reality,
when fabricated along
the path driven by deceit.
They only bare worth
when sheltered perceptions
play within and without
any rules to achieve

strength
among the weak prone to
follow blindly the heard
mentality.
All of them lies to disguise
the fragility of a soul
seeking refuge from promises
made,
Contracts signed
by minors in denial.
PAID IN FULL
LET THEM GO.

Deaths doorstep

Why do some people
Keep knocking on the door.
Some just go in,
Without ringing the bell,
Some crash the party
Without a proper invitation.
Those that keep knocking
Seem to have it figured out.
Death doesn’t answer his door,
Sometimes he may knock
On yours.
I think maybe he is never home.
He has a lot of work to do.
The ones who like
To temp their fate,
Are having too much fun
To wait at the gate.

Abandon Me

you never knew me. it isn’t that I didn’t want you to, because I really did. i wanted to know you too. i wanted to know your favorite colors, and the stories you were reading. I wanted to know what makes you happy and help you to conquer your fears. I wanted to be there on your bad days to give you a hug when you need it the most. I wanted to watch you have your first crush. I wanted to learn about the things you were learning and help you with your homework and tell you it was time for your bath. I wanted to praise you for working so hard to achieve you goals. to help you pick out your prom dress and worry about you until you came home. i wanted to be a good role model, some one you could trust with your thoughts to keep them safe. someone you could run to when you would wake up from your nightmares as well as your magical dreams. I wasn’t able to be there but I tried to do what was best for you at the time. BELIEVE ME I have cried more times than you would ever know for the mistakes that I’ve made and the loss of my children. time passes so quickly and I know when it’s my time to go it will be alone and with more regrets than I would have ever imagined that i would have.. My children grew up before I had a chance to show them that I was sorry and how much I truly loved them.
I am more than this superficial image. I cared so deeply for everyone who mattered to me. when i was driven to prove their innocence or stand up for their pride or stand in the way to protect them … that’s what I had to do. Maybe the enemy was all pretend but my fears were real and I didn’t know who to trust or who would protect me. i wanted someone to tell me why, someone who could explain why I couldn’t be there for my kids or my parents or my family. I wanted to know who was responsible for making me go insane. I made it through. and the only explanation that makes any sense at all to me is that my husband wanted me out of his life . For some reason he wanted me to believe that he was a monster. I didn’t want to believe he could be so cruel. but he never tried to help me through. He never told that it would be ok, or promised that we would conquer this together. He never thanked me for anything. he only found faults in everything that I did. And when I needed him to assure me that he had nothing to do with what was happening his only response was to get angry and defensive against me … the person who was supposed to be my allie through thick and thin. Whether you believe me or not this is the truth. I am not as strong as I wish I was . I am not as smart as i wish I was. I care more than I wish i did. I have more value than will ever be known by the people who should love me and know me. But that is my fault that they.. you .. will never know me. And it is MY fault that I will never know you.

Journal 4-7-20] VACATION

Where have i been the last few days?
I’m so worn out from my travels.
It was lucky i didn’t have to pack, or wait in lines crossing through check points.
But i am so tired and glad to be home.
Somehow my room became a mess.
And dishes need to be done today.
Why JC? What Jamie? Your reasons? Oh you lived a better, smarter life than me.
You have stolen mine and given me the one that suffered?
You haven’t any idea what pain and suffering,
I had to endure to bring us here, in the first place.
And if you knew what I knew,
but weren’t able to reach it in time,
then why didn’t you stop me?
When you could see clearly,
where we were heading?
I will tell you why.
It was because you didn’t believe me.
You didn’t believe in me.
I did not want any part of this, but knowing what they told me, scared the piss out of me.
When the world begins again to spin,
Will we want it back the way it was or are we willing to change for better?
Kids can take care of themselves. They can learn the important things,
that family teach.
Maybe someone can step up to government raising our kids and say.
This is our day to take back control.
To teach love and compassion by stepping back,
from our connectivity.

Pitfalls

Just to survive,

Against the odds.

Just keep moving forward,

Past the pitfalls ,

of shallow minds.

We already know,

it only takes 3 inches,

To drown.

Thats if you trip and fall,

Flat on your face,

And accidently knock out,

The human race.

I tripped, I fell,

I caught up with my spell.

It was mine all along.

To string them from the branches,

Of their own family tree

Elsey

Ready for something fresh
unwanted fruits and veggies,
no.no.no.no, nooooooo.
garbage for the trash compactor
feed not to your soul.

who makes up these vomit fads
who blindly follows them.
the research done is laughable
facts filled with fantasy.

unveil their masks and soon
you too will be plagued
unstable
as a rootless tree.
but still replacements
gather like moss in a forest
dark and damp.

They remain in shadows
for not be seen inside
the truth
their plots and schemes
vaporized scattered fragments.
lies upon lies upon lies
to choke their creators.
before the words are spoke.

Strait A’s

So what?

Keep trying.

Prove to me,

How little you care.

My reasons are,

Not what you would expect

Me to share.

But I will

Give it to you strait

From my tongue.

It’s more about me

And who I become.

I like who I am

When you’re in my life.

I’ve seen myself different

Wrapped up with others.

I don’t think you’re

Anyone special to me,

But myself becomes

closer to who I can see.

You aren’t the only one,

I’ve met a few.

The tests

you always seem

To have in your hat,

Are barely that .

My school days

Are over and left

In the past.

Your tests I will gladly

Shove up your ass.

BREATHE

Take a minute,
Breathe deeply.
Remember who you are.
Remember who you want.
To be.

Take a minute.
Feel your breath.
Fill your lungs.
This is all you have,
To make your dreams,
Come true.

Take a minute.
Dreams are only dreams.
Breathe deeply.
Dreams are all you have.
All else comes and goes.

Take a minute.
Feel your breath.
Fill your lungs.
Every new thing gets used,
Loses its’ luster and appeal.

Take a minute,
To remember who you are.
To remember who you want,
To be.

Take a minute to share.
Who you are,
Who you want,
To be.

Take a minute to share.
Your dreams.
Simple,
As they may be.
Dreams will never,
Grow old or lose their luster.

This is all you have.
Take a minute,
To breathe.

This is all you have.
Take a minute to dream.
Take a minute.
To share.

This is all you have.

I stomp on it
im sorry for that
just being were you are
turned my world
around.

i don’t say it as much
as i really should
without you here
my world would be no good.

stuck in the spiral
i couldnt retreat
i see it all
now
differently.

returned my sanity
as much it as seems
Could be beyond grasp
on this treadmill of broken

dreamsd

Gut reaction

I get that twinkle.

As his name crossed,
my tongue and my breath,
blows forward.
sounds from my heart,
my mind in denial.

trying to replace
an impossibility
none can compare
tingles down my spine
when given time.

sentimental,
bullshit.
salty tears.
been gone so long.
ever here?
or just a dream.

never coming back.
no one can match,
the sensation.
it’s left to be seen,
twinkling,
in a room so dim.
off in another world,
forever out of reach.

Waves

Secure inspite of fear,
hold him dear,
when he’s not here.
Always safe in his arms,
when the waves come,
crashing in.

The coals too hot,
can burn you.
When carelessly,
you hold tight.
Not tonight.
Emotions glow,
In sheer delight

Promises safe,
in ears that listen,
to the fire burning,
low in the darkest night..

Absolute trust,
and fear long gone,
won’t lose sight,
for fun to come.

What’s The Point

The point is;

She was driven,
Going crazy just to prove,
She needs no one,
To make her move.

The point is;
This railroad
You made her take
means nothing
For your sake.

The point is;
This war she fights
To keep her sanity in line,
Losing it was
The goal
You had in mind.

The point is;
She is real and still alive.
The point is;
She is NOT
A lie.

The point is;
All she’s done is try
How she feels is true.
She didn’t die,
To be someone else for you.

The point is;
No matter what you sow,
She is worth more,
Than you’ll ever know.

TRUTH LIES CYCLICAL

Will the cycle return?

year after year
It returned,
never ceased.
bringing with it
Always another piece,
Of the puzzle.
at first over 150 stories,
cycling through.
the goal to prevent,
the truth from.
something I know.

At first,
all of them.
cycling per month.
indestinctably separate,
putting on quite a show.
as the years passed each layer,
the onion would unfold,
those layers with stories,
gave a cover and distraction.

further inside,
lived the truth and the fears.
The fears so extreme,
unable to phathom.
or truly feel.
with so many lies,
encompasing what’s real.
how could I not respond,
and take action.

Sacrificing the children.
Or thousands in score,
But this one was different.
Explained every aspect,
To its’ core.

Without knowledge certain.
Surveillance and thievery,
Handing over the bullet,
For my freedom.

Surprisingly accurate,
The future foretold,
Implanted in memory,
Things yet to unfold.

Ofcourse there was doubt.
Always feeling unsure.
Told i could make it,
As long as i’m true.
Set running this rat maze
without being a rat.
Doubt still uncertain.

I thought “there’s no way”.
Though only one story,
When I would see the day,
Resides in a dream or two,
Real and the true,
Buried before,
Any one of them knew.

Pain Game

These things that came to be,
Put in my head.
So many things I wanted,
Never to happen.
And some I fought for,
Tooth
And nail.

I battled the demons,
Who put them there.
Were they truly demons,
I wonder.
I have never given them,
That word .
They were friends,
Or enemies I thought.
Out to make me a joke.

All I know they knew of me,
How would they?
And if they knew so much,
How could they,

be so wrong,
With their expectations.

The important one’s,
I neglected.
I thought protected.
Pain inflicted,
Through my actions.
On the tiny ones that were,
My world.
Taken from me by the one
Who abused,
Raped and dragged
Me down.

I wanted to believe,
He was worthy,
Able to grow.
Do right by them,
When I was put to task.
Cleaning out my closet,
Putting my thoughts back,
In their place.

Were they really demons,
Telling me I could,
Would,

get through.
That I was one of few,
Who should play this through.

The art of preservation

I could hear it,
as the words blew,
through my lips.
the cover i was creating,
along side my truth,
and reality.

now escapes me.
that quickly.
i guess to not reveal,
as my world is still,
endangered.
wanting trust,
to prevail weakens this,
quest i endure for your sake.A

simple words that spoke,
not lies or natalis,
but misrepresentation.
always guarding me,
when i refuse to see the danger,
in front of me.

what were the words
drawn blank in my head?
put down the pen,
to reveal again,
where you went wrong when,
singing your song as you always do.
self preservation my first agenda,
followed by recognition.

Tell Me

My precious ones

Please tell me,
How wrong I have been.

How cruel the times,
I should have been there,
By your side.

How I was selfish,
How you needed me,
And I ignored
Your pleas,
Your needs.

Tell me how I hurt,
The most precious gifts,
Life granted me.
In a life,
So short,
Unable to retrieve.

Spill your hatred,
Out to me,
So that maybe you can see.

How much I really,
Wanted to be,
Better than the person,
That you see in me .

Better,
Than,
Who I am.

The Enemy Inside

The things we struggle with sometimes,
so far beyond our reach.
It shouldn’t be this hard.
To find the answers that

-We know-

every problem has an answer.
Solutions for every
dilema,

-We think-

Sometimes we don’t want to ask
The questions,
For fear of answers,
That we don’t want to hear.

-For fear-.

To recognize the questions
better left unheard

-we think.-

The struggles we endure
When trapped

inside our head instead

of letting them

-Run free-

to find the answers
somewhere out there.

Trying to face
fears trapped inside.
Forever hiding ,

behind the mask

that says

-“I am ok”.-

When in reality the pain,
is too great to reveal.
Gives too much power
to the forces

that conceal.

Hoping to open our trust to those,
who will fight
For us tooth and nail.

To stand proud and admit
The faults,
that make
Our weakness seem

so unreal.

monster revealed

i never thought
that’s were it went
wrong.

regrets?
i wouldn’t have.
now so many
i can’t count.

i want to cry
afraid i will
Never stop.
just bury the pain
again
for another day.

maybe i do
need therapy
they say.
I really don’t think
that will make it
Go away.

How could i do so much
harm without trying.
i intended
all along to protect
my victims.

Maybe i did
what I needed to.
maybe I am
a worse monster
than i knew.

i thought it was him
all along
who’d have guessed
i really don’t know
how i made such a mess.

I’m sorry
i know i’ve said
a million times over.
there’s no way to
undo who i am
or my cover.

You never knew?

I never deserved to be made
Into something so vile.
I would turn it around
In my head.
To see you as my hero
Instead.

I am judged and misconceived
Already thrown out
like spoiled milk.
Before given a chance
to be real.

I don’t need it
or you like the flu.
Making me sick over
And over again.

I deserve so much better,
But may never find it,
Because your poison
Soaked into their skin.
Decided for me
Not to begin,
When all i wanted from you
To be true.

You know why I’m here.
My path guided by fear.
To you I am petty,
corrupt, driven by greed.
The brick wall,
The one in your head.
Believes that I should be
The one who is dead.
I guess that’s untrue,
I could never compare
To those sanctimonious
Memories you drew.

I earned the respect
I deserve from you.
But apparently
You never knew.
Never will.

I am innocent
I pretend that I’m strong
I needed to believe
There was hope all along.
I knew I was wrong
I knew I was alone
I knew that hope
only a word was all gone.

But how can I ever
Move forward knowing,
How worthless I have become
Just for trying.
When no one would
Even acknowledge the pain
They shoved in my skull.

A liars word

A liars word,
As good as gold,
So easy to mold,
As the truth will unfold.
Promise your word,
Will be back,
And never betray,
When the goal is to slay?

Try to destroy,
You’re already forgot.
Words turned to ashes,
In the wake of this yacht.

Fire and Water
To steam ,
They will vanish.
No substance,
No purpose,
No gain in my absence.

None can survive,
Doused by my earth.
I smother,
Absorb.
All the others have no worth.

So try all you like,
I’ve played you this far,

Too bad you misjudged my
Resolution to devour.

New world order

Ok folks, this is where the lines seem to be crossed, on one side we have liberals begging for free education and healthcare for all. Along with LGBT rights and sanctuary for “illegals”. Imagine, democratic socialism was voted in through certain politics. Ok so now transitioning is paid for by fed government, ok, a human has a right to alter their body as they choose, fine… I believe they have this right. Fed Gov is now paying. (Through the dr you get assigned to by the government)5-10 years down the road, those ruling our health and government runs education system , teaching this is right and good. Healthcare is also run by the government . Our rights and knowledge are shifting to trust(?) government to provide these things. someone PERHAPS a mormon, catholic, Islamic, buddhist( very unlikely) pagan or satanist, of (if religion is allowed under new rule) anyway a sinister mind with ambition, slips in through the front door, LGBT rights becomes (” a need for stronger military, we need more men to fight our wars, your daughters must transition,”) your daughter goes for her first obgyn appt. The doctor injects her according to fed regulations (unquestioned) and before you know it she feels like a boy, wants to become a boy and gender reassignment begins, by her choice(?) along with infants being altered at birth. For the “good of all” by those governing our health and education. These are the “key” ingredients to another or a new more sinister “WORLD ORDER” Barak Obama spoke to the U.N. using the phrase “new world order” more than once . That was his agenda . Do you think those raised in a war torn bombed hell their entire lives will come here and forget where the bombs came from ? Obama ordered the bombing, but these liberal fanatics cant see past the fact that we are not allowed to question the first black president, without being called “racist” nor are we allowed to make fun of him, thank God we can make fun of our president once again. That is a blessing, but not the whole answer. We need to keep our rights to choose healthcare, education, gender, mate, religion, we need to keep a balance in government to question and resist changes that might forever alter our way of life and Hope’s for our future, our pursuit of happiness, and our right to rise above.

Lack of WILL

I might believe you,
(not likely though)
When you say that you might call
(if nothing better unfolds)
Or you might want to visit
(if the sun turns to dust)
That you might take me Somewhere
( if no one else wants to go)
I’m the dumb one for thinking
That might means will,
That might holds some power
In words that seem real.

I learned to expect things
On a positive note.
Think optomisticaly,
When given hope.
But might,
although giving
The illusion of strenght,
Is only a smokescreen
Undeniably weak.

No weaker word than might.

Time will forget the twist,
Of fate you never could grasp nor phathm,
My hate you played me off,
Not as good as I could you,
All you do to stop your weak little soul from falling prey,
To another stray.

The years gather deep
On your brow.
Mine fade away
Left in yesterday.

The purpose served not rational but real.
All the same feel the pain
Every time it slips from your lips,
Of doubt in the truth I will steal.

Here And Now

She’s looking out the window,
Found a place to park it,
For the night.
It’s dark outside.

Through their curtains,
Drawn,
The ones who live behind the walls are safe and warm.

She watches the traffic
Down the road.

Some have places to go.

But she is lost behind the wheel,
Gas pedal near her feet,
Will bring her
Somewhere,
When tomorrow comes.

So long driven.
The time was spent,
In search of an answer.
Each day delivered
Magic for her sight,
Ghosts and twinklings
From here and now,
Still the answers never came.

When finally peace,
Settling ,
calms her mind,
She still looks through
The window.

For all those homes,
With love and comfort,
Distant out of grasp.

Wishing she could feel
The fire that burns
Inside her soul.
It’s where
Cold solitude resides.

She walks alone from here and now.

FROM THE HEART

She is not lonely
Maybe her problem is

too many friends.

This time she won’t look
Or try to be

Someone they think
She should be.

She has learned over time

Acceptence and friendship,
Are crutches we hold,
To carry us through,
While wounding our soul.

Is she so blind that she thinks
She could find ,

any friend,

Who can see
What’s been taken .

Her pessimism stems.
And continues to grow
Because she will never

Believe all the lies,

She’s been told.

Turn about

In the midst of isolation
No loyalty seen,
Tell her why.
Tell her what she’s done
To continue to be
Shit apon.

Thanx for nothing.
Be gone,

She will have a reason ,
To seek out revenge.

Taking these things,
Into her hands.

Turn about is fair play.
She’s done it before,
And again blood

Will spill over,

And over.

The torment of being denied,
A place to feel safe,
Someone willing to guide.

Disguise whats been done,
Only she on her side,
Forever together,
On this carnival ride.

Canine teeth

Your scent,
I will never forget.
Where safety lies,
And truth abides.

Your touch.
Calming my fear,
Wiping my tears.
Always soft you pet
My fur.

Your voice.
In words I try,
To speak somehow
The language is understood,
More through eyes,
Less through the lips.

I will be with you,
For as long as my life
Allows me to be,
On your lap,
At your feet,
By your side
You and me.

I wont allow
Danger to strike.
Your protection,
My dedication,
As you would do
For me I do for you.

I bark away those
Shadow fiends,
Behind the bushes
On dark nights.
They wouldn’t dare to
Step into the light.

My teeth I bare
Brings to them fright.
I would rip the flesh
From their soul,
Without a second thought,
Always guarding the
Ones who make
Make my life complete.

Dirty laundry

No you don’t know
What it’s like,
Wind blowing strong,
Over fields through trees.

Messages received fly by,
In the night,
They follow.
Memories left for morrow.
Trying to confuse,
And create sorrow.

Always leaving me left,
Alone to quip the crossfire.
The pain you aim,
To bring in the morning Light.

Weathered this storm, Before opening eyes,
To see Nothing of true relevance,
Just lies.
Tangled in those sheets,
Dirty from sweat.

Waiting on the spin
Cycle.

Masquarade

She’s never been
In control.
she knew that,
All along.
Maybe everyone thought They could use her.
Program her to
Self destruct.
In every choice
Along the way.

Maybe she chose
Self destruction,
If living in this world Was her only Option.
Wouldn’t you?
If put in her shoes.
Every idiosynchrosy altered,
By this veil of disguise..

Self protection
She was told.
But from who, why?
It keeps returning,
Everytime,
Someone steps in,
Who might be on her side.

She was programmed to fail,
Over and over again.

To spew stories
Or shut the fuck up, Always to the wrong ear.
Looking like the Conniving,
Shallow one without fear.

If she was strong,
She wouldn’t be stuck.
She was programmed to fail.
To destroy herself,
With no escape.
Reality,
Has her baffled.

TREASON

Giving to her feeling,
Something but pain.
drizzled rain falls,
The clouds feel nothing.

The touch is invisible.
Who tries to care?
Like an imaginary knife,
That severs the skin.

Far off it slithers,
Among the dung.
To fester relentlessly,
On someone else’s mind.

Imagine sorrow, Laughing.
As blood drips,
Without coagulation.

Treason never forgives.

Trust,
Knows it’s boundary.
Line etched in the sand.

Virtual sarcasm echos,
Off of the canyon walls.

Witch,
Lies,
Are swallowed.
Trust is as faulty.
Fear given cause,
Paving the way back.
A nightmare returns,
From whence it sprang.

American Stafford-shire

Dogs know when things are happening around their neighborhood, their reactions are what help alert their partners/ owners.
Several years ago there was a dog fighting ring in my “neighborhood”, several blocks away. Our pit-bull, Nevaeh had been acting a bit strange, nervous, and anxious when I took her out in the evening to do her duty, she was focusing on something beyond my perception. The next night or two I could hear what had attracted her attention, it sounded like dogs were in distress, but I didn’t think too much of it. A few days later there was an article in the paper, which I didn’t usually read but randomly decided to read that day. An article about a dog fighting ring several blocks away had been busted, thank goodness! Nevaeh was a rescue dog and had suffered some abuse in her 1st year of life, so it made sense to me why she had been acting so strange.
The other night, our dog, Sonic was acting strangely, as well as several nights before, now that I think about it, looking off the same direction as the incident previously had taken place. Last night, we heard the same sound of dogs barking. Sonic is an American Stafford-shire Terrier as well, 5 months old. Today I decided to walk him around- the neighborhood where we heard the barking last night at 1:30 am. there were a few places along the way where he got very agitated, sniffing the pavement relentlessly , running toward, and running away from certain houses.. etc… I could easily be making more of this than reality suggests, I am diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and my mind tells me stories, but much of the stories they tell pan out in the end, so I listen; entertained as well as curious; always with a grain of salt to purify and cleanse the thoughts extracting ‘grains of truth’. So anyway we continue on our walk and reach the interurban trail, a man, walked ahead of us, I noticed another man coming up behind us about 20 feet away from each other. We let the next man pass by, I didn’t notice any description until they were both walking ahead of us. They both had the same stride, hand positioning and I thought it seemed as if they were together but at a distance from each other. Now this would make sense as one hears about women being attacked on walking trails etc.
-But my worry was for Sonic, He is at the perfect age for those with distorted brains to try to acquire and train a Pit to be a fighter. Sonic is from a long line of American Staff dogs that spans several generations, and his father is really big, so is his brother Zeus from another litter, so my concern is that while he is young and naive, it would be the time these criminals would try to dog-nap him by attacking the owner, a frail looking middle age woman such as myself. Two men walking together would appear suspicious, but separately… not so much, I have known a lot of criminals in my life, and have learned the way they think and plan things and the ways they acquire what they want. The criminals in my circle were not the vicious type as far as I knew, the system has a way of turning those in desperate situations into criminals thus leaving them with no other choice than to commit crimes in order to survive, unable to rent, un-employable, etc…. But these people who fight dogs for monetary gain are the sickest type of criminal out there next to child molesters.-
Back to the second man, I decided to sit down on a grassy hillside as the second man stopped to “read a sign on a telephone pole re: a dog walker” then he turned to me and Sonic and asked me how old my dog was. I told him then he continued on his walk. I decided to hang back and just keep an eye on this guy so that he couldn’t follow and find out where we live. the trail continued toward a small park, as we followed the stranger, and he went toward the park. as we passed the park, I looked and did not see him in sight, then suddenly it was obvious he was standing behind a large tree as we passed by. so we left the trail and walked a different direction than our home, up the road. now this next part may be a bit far fetched, a (woman?) in a red Saturn, dodge shadow(?), drove by wearing ridiculous dark sunglasses, and what appeared to me as a dark brown wig,(it was dark and gloomy outside this afternoon) i concluded that perhaps she was connected to the men/ man. i decided to head toward home but to go a different way than would be obvious… I stopped to retrieve a treat for Sonic from my coat pocket and a car drove up with a different woman who stopped and asked me if I was alright, I told her I was just getting a treat out of my pocket for my dog, she said she stopped because i had my coat off, then continued to ask, “You wouldn’t be of the age to be having hot flashes would you? ” and I replied ( although the dog walk had made me sweat) Yes I was. then she said ” well, power on then, have a nice day.” with a smile of acceptance. now after walking half a block more we decided to retrace our steps and head home, Sonic became insistent to visit an elderly dog sitting across the road, I had been working with him on his manners using his leash as a drawstring around his neck for training purposes, leaving it loose for the majority of the time only to suddenly jerk on it when he pulls too hard etc… His strength is incredible at his young age I can only imagine how difficult it will be in the future to control him if I don’t insist on him behaving himself right now. As i struggled to make Sonic behave a man that lives a the corner came out to greet Sonic, we had met him and his dog Cooper a few times along the trail. He seemed to be checking the grip I had on Sonic’s neck, I hope he didn’t think that I was being abusive to Sonic.
As far as the stories in my head, I get an inkling that there are some folks concerned that I may be training him to be a fighter, that there is concern for Sonic’s well being.
A few weeks ago my brain stories were more to the affect that Sonic was supposed to work in the movies, One day out of the blue, I was walking him and told him to ” heal.” and immediately he obeyed! and continued to do so for the entire walk, This behavior is where the stories of ‘Hollywood actor dog’ came into my head. Some folks thought that I didn’t deserve to have such a dog and others simply want him as a means to monetary gain. At that time I started to worry about him being stolen. He is my daughters dog, but I love him and he loves me, I am his primary care taker, I am his “Gramma”. This is all very far fetched, but with my schizophrenia I have noticed things of this nature going on for the past 20 years. I don’t always think people are directly connected to one another, but I do believe that subconsciously we are connected and on an underlying level of reality we communicate with those within our Karmic circles clarifying misconceptions as well as accounting for the placement of individuals in time and space.

A Raindrop

On Friday, July 13, 2012 3:09

Selfish it is to want freedom from love.

Resenting that anyone cares.

Wishing that only I feel my pain.

For choosing to hurt myself without any gain.

Born alone you’re a gift from above.

Cherished until you can stand on your own.

Knowing the pain that the world shares with you,

Is more painful to those that the world gave to you.

I’m ok, ya I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Just leave me alone, I’ll

show you, you’ll see.

Like a raindrop we fall from the clouds to the ground, to nourish and

comfort the earth, and still we must leave ; return to

our birth.

On your own

In the blink of an eye,
Every thing can change.
I have held you in my heart and soul.
To protect and guide you,
On this wonderous,
Journey of life.

Time passes quicker than memories reveal.
As things change my only hope,
Is that your ability
to adapt,
Is stronger than Any challenge at hand.
That you have learned,
How to weather any storm.
To rise above and soar,
As an eagle.

May you find peace,
And joy on this journey.

New phone new life

You wouldn’t know that a new phone
Would make things change.
When I was young a new phone
Only meant that it looked
Or felt different in your hands.
Now a new phone is the difference
Between how fast you can surf the web.
Another term created in the past 20 years.
Or how many games you can download.
Whether you can download enough
Apps that can save or earn money.
If you cant afford a good phone
The money you can make with it is minimal.
Takes money to make money they say,
That is far more true than some one
with a cheap phone is even aware of.

DELETED

Everywhere I look there’s nothing for me. They want to delete me. Everywhere that I’ve been, all gone, no schools, no where that I’ve worked, No doctors, no friends. They vanish in my past, there’s no sign of me. I’m invisible. So alone. Why would they do this to me? I’ve done nothing to them. All alone, I will forever be, you can count on that. I can’t cry for what’s lost, did it ever exist? It’s gone, it’s gone. Everything that I was is gone. Why bother doing anything when it will only disappear?

This must be how a ghost feels, I wanted to be a ghost… I thought it would be a fantasy, but alone forever is all that I know.
 
Everywhere I look there’s nothing for me. They deleted me. Everywhere that I’ve been, All the places are gone, no schools, nowhere that I’ve worked, No doctors, no friends. they vanish in my past, there’s no sign of me. I’m invisible. So alone, why did they do this to me? I’ve done nothing to them. All alone, I will forever be, you can count on that. I can’t even cry for what’s lost, did it even exist? It’s gone, it’s gone. Everything that I was is gone. Why bother doing anything, it will only disappear?

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My turn

Why did she ever
Say in jest,
“Send me a ticket
I’ll be your guest.”

It’s not like
She thought it would be,
A different trip.
Just the same old game.

Even the bug bites
To boot,
On her hands
And her face.

And feelings of guilt.
For not wanting
To cuddle with someone,
Who claims to be a friend.

A friend doesn’t try
To buy your affection.
A friend doesn’t need to.
It’s already theirs.

All the years,
That have passed,
Come rushing back.

All the mental torture,
Of the time she let them
Take control.
She doesn’t need
To remember how cruel,
They all have been,
To her without a reason,
Without cause.

Or maybe she does,
Will she ever learn.
Life has been good lately,
It should be her turn.

What Inspiration Gave Her

She spent so much time
Wasted on things that were never done..

A visitor came to seduce
One day.

His name was Inspiration.
He only stayed
A very short time.

The gift he brought would last
Forever.

Her belly filled
For many months.

The day finally came
Bringing tears of joy.

She named her child
Invention.

The child called her
Mother.

To the rest of the world,
Who knew her,
They called her by her name.

Necessity was the mother
Of Invention.

darkening sky

The wretched heat of the sun,
Turns everything brown in its’ wake.
Draining the brilliant green leaves,
From a vibrancy of life,
To something lost.

Was it the heat of the day that cures,
These foliage as they cook
In the middays sun?
Every scent of summer
Speaks of how quickly it will pass.

Not yet the flowers scream,
we’re still blooming.
Our scent is not for you
It brings the bees to our side.
To make sure our offspring emerge,
To decorate next years fields.

The days are losing light,
By the minute by the hour.
Our petals will drop,
We will expire not yet,
We cry in the blistering heat.

When Autumn does blow its’ chilling wind,
We know that the time is near.
To let go of what was once our beauty.
Reflecting on the seasons joy,
The bees that came to leave,
for the next blossoming trillium.

The moments spent being tickled,
The feet seeking nectar in our center.
Leaving scant traces of another,
As a reminder that to grow and flourish,
The mingling of experiences is not singular
Or confined to One.

Treasures and blessings come from many,
Gathered on the foot of those splendid moments,
Scarcely sprinkled in the midst,
Of days too short with darkening skies.

Fools Gold

It doesn’t exist,
no matter how hard it tries.
this emotion given a pedestal,
is nothing but a lie.

we can care for one another,
or maybe we don’t.
As long as it serves our selfish desires,
we will give it this name,
until it expires.

Hate on the other hand,
Has forged its place.
Hate is tangible.
Sometimes managable,
Has purpose defined.

Hate doesn’t exist because of love.
Love was created to
Misguide,
Hates fate.
To distract the inevitable,
Reason at the gate.

Give me proof.
Evidence denied.
No one has an ounce,
Of love to respond.

Love, called admiration,
Fascination and greed,
The reason for holding on to,
The person they need.

One will give up their right,
To free choice and their money.
To say that they have found
Love with their “honey”.

Creating families based on A Notion .

“Love” will prevent
Drowning in an ocean.
Protect us from being lost,
Loneliness and pain.
None of these lies hold
Truth in it’s reigns.

When the world turns against you,
Will true love protect?
Or simply reject you
Along with the rest.
It goes where the answers are,
clearly obscured.

Love is greed,
wearing a disguise, Selfish and cunning.
Will drag you along for the ride,
If you’re willing.
Most of us are and it’s sad to admit,
that this false ideal,
Turns us all into nitwits.

Will it matter if the vows,
Spilled out before friends,
Claim undying devotion,
When deception steps in.

Love never existed.
The love that was seen,
Was only truth caring,
Blinded by a smokescreen.

Love takes your time,
Stealing focus in your head.
Taking every precious
Moment of your life,
Until you’re dead.
Love is the greediest lie ever told,
through songs,
Read in books, seen in movies.

It’s love we seek to know.
Friends and family who claim to have found love deny honestly admitting
Loneliness and pain still abound.
Love is a vice enslaving the heart,
Brainwashing the masses,
Stealing serenities soul.

Love doesn’t care about
Happiness or self worth.
All important love won’t
Give in to respect,
Most often brings doubt,
Guilt and suspicion to the deck.

And you may not have noticed
How that last paragraph began..
Love doesn’t care,
Doesn’t care in the end.
How much time and energy you spend
Trying to be it’s friend.

Storm clouds with rainbow fringe

It was late that night.
The clap of thunder shook,
The entire house.
Flashes of lightening, made her think;
There’s a party, somewhere.

Pulling herself up,
Out of the bed.
Those slippers seem to travel,
During the night while she sleeps.

Barefeet always stick
On hardwood floors.
She draws the curtains back,
Wrapping a blanket around,
Her shoulders cold,
In the dark.

The black heavy clouds are split.
Fingers of electricity, Reach down from the sky.
Tightening her grip,
She pulls the blanket snuggly.
Curls up in an easy chair,
To watch the sky ignight.

A dance to the beat,
Bass booming.

WHAT MORE?

I’m so done.
What more is there to write?
What is left to try for?
Who is left to give a damn.

In my life none of them cared.
None of them wanted me there.
No one had my back.
No one saw what was happening,
Offered protection.

I was their joke.
The one used to step on,
For their gain not to help.
To see me lose again,
And again.

Now my last hope is dwindling.
I have no ambition to succeed.,
Making it through was my goal,
Now what.
Nothing left I’m lost.

I don’t want to try anymore.
What is left to try for?
Who is left to care.
No one.

Not A Fan

Of course it broke today.
Spinning it’s blades,
The last time.
My biggest fan.

Not there to wave me on,
Cool me down,
When things are burning.
From the inside.

Every year its the same.
Spinning a wind tunnel, To suck me under.
A museum of music,
Shredding the oxygen.

To toss,
Tiny particles.

Fill the room.

Yes I will go.
To bring it on.

The only answer,
Dictates to logic.

To the stupid.

Funny squeak it was moaning,
Let it twist in your head.
Keep it going.
Let the ignorant begin,
To celebrate phantom win.

They cherish
Themselves sabotage.

For me;
It’s been a lifetime career.

Really have no fear.
Just not right.
Assumptions devour what’s real.

That’s how it works,
On the ones sacrificed. Not me;
Never chose against the mind.

Actions reflect the smart,
Decisions confuse, Opposition.
Portraying not.

Read as a portrait.
Pleasing as a fluke.

southern fried gizzards

She doesn’t really care who is on their side
passing imperfect product
as a farce.

These people have promise.
Since when do these have more than the others?
All of them that were let to slide
into the machinery ,
the grinder,
the wood chipper.
What made them less worthy of the help?

Oh SOLUTIONS I see.
Addiction counselors on vacation leave.
They have not been any help.
Their story transparent as a raindrop.

Nothing assumed; through their deliberations
Makes an ounce of sense, nor will she
Comply.

Bunk street drugs
To ease the weaning.
Back to sobriety; why.
There must be some gain,
Some payment agreed upon,
Some vast prize for participation.
As for her just let her die.

This is why the others were denied.

They opened the entire book for her to see.
Outlined the characters.
One, two and three.

It doesn’t matter.
She has no plan to give in.
She has no one to care about.
Your game will be in ruins.

As for prizes,
It’s pretty clear,
When everyone wins,
No one wins.
This is the reason she’s going nowhere.

WHO IS THE MASKED MAN

A voice disguised
To protect the snitch,
Much to recognizable
For my memories to ignore.

A series resembling too closely
The circle of friends
That walked me through

They were there for me,
Was it to disguise motives,,
I still don’t get why.

I guess that I’m lucky,
The places I’ve been.
The people escorting me
Through a decade long maze.

None less than shady,
Of criminal mind.
The life indangered
Thought certain to be mine.

Setting me up for crimes.
When lost and confused
Seeking answers never given.
My innocense amused.

So easily
I could have fallen prey
To the games that they play
Leading me astray.

So many years later
It’s all surfacing
Why wait until now
Who’s getting paid?

peace of mind

If I could have one gift
The thing that I would cherish
Above  diamonds or gold;
In weight;
Recognition and admiration
From one who has sealed my fate.

Hurt is only mine because
All my efforts have been erased.
My motives ill-defined by most
Time not wasted to clarify.

Does anyone see me
Behind this guise
What I’ve proven over time
How i gave away my world;
Unsavory as it truly was;
To try to bring it back to right
Where people wouldn’t have to fight.

To live without a daily battle
Feeling happy without a struggle.

Money can’t and never could
Bring peace of mind to the unkind.
To them it always was a crutch,
Reasons to nag and rant and cuss.

Wondering when will it be enough,
To just relax,
Feel and hear
The wind on your shoulder,
Songs of birds flying near.

Feeling content without resent,
I’ve mastered this feat I guess to share,
With not a soul.
Because I’m not the one,
For whom all of the stories are told?

Nameless

The story goes on to say,
More of which she must take heed.
She’s not quite buying into it.
The circumstance of this misdeed.

She fell quite hard,
dropped to her knees.
That was yesterday.
Before those triggered
Thoughts sank in,
To possess their breeding ground.

Yes she was warned.
She has no need,
No interest,
In your greed.

Restitution the only wage.
This battle,
To rectify her goal.
Demands of those,
Who played it through.

No name was given to the clue.

And in itself,
Shown quite transparent,
The plans you’ve laid,
Are clearly screwed.
Thinly veiled in time,
Worn sheets.
Trying wont disguise,
What’s real and true.

A Kiss

Kisses,
Too intimate it seems.
My generation has it
Backwards.

When Did it become easier
To spread my legs,
Than placing my lips on yours
Its scary going face to face.

Maybe it’s just an aging thing
We’ve all been tarnished
Through loves little games.

Friends do for each other
The things that feel good,
But to call it love
We won’t be understood.

So we go on
Never sharing a kiss,
Making sure we won’t lose
Our friend in the midst.

Without a reflection

She can feel her heart breaking,
Again.
How many times does it have to dissolve
Before it is completely
Gone.

Wondering why She’s never
Good enough.

Trying to be the one
Able to make the world complete,
Becoming the world
In the eyes of another.

How many times
She has seen the world fulfilled.
Entranced by the men she adores.
Only to have them see
Nothing in her.

Tears fill her eyes,
Falling from her glistening cheeks,
The salt filled purity
Emotions set free.

It’s getting late now,
In her tattered life.
Too late for her to be found
understood and cherished.

the sense that in this eclipse
Her life having never been
the one protected.
Never the one made important
simply by giving a wink and a smile.

It’s always someone else.
That other girl is special
worthy and elevated
guarded and unique.

Where did she go wrong?
Was it the company she chose
Or the dimple on her nose.
She will go to the grave never knowing
How to trust.

Combination locked

Will she ever find
Her place in your world.
That dark and dingy
Corner of your mind
Where only the deepest pleasures
Reign supreme.

The place she tries to find
every time she peeks into your head
Wishing she was dead
Not able to feel a pain
Too real to express
In words placed on the printing press.

Maybe she doesn’t belong,
Truly explains the lock on the door.
Not given a key
The combination turning
She hears no click
Only a trick for her head
Not a treat,
Left out in the cold.
She doesn’t need to be told
More than once she’s too old.
It’s complete defeat,
Measured to the beat,
Of her heart already shattered
Too many times to care.

Bowser

It won’t be nearly as easy,
As when you thought you knew.
How to gain my losses,
So the stories grew?

You don’t have the slightest clue.
I’m not the one to tell you.
No reason you would even be
If not to serve me well.

No dreams aren’t made from this,
Only a cold machine inside,
Vintage reel to real not blind.
You never even left my mind.

Hate consumed my distraction.
Knowing no one gave a shit.
But getting here was half the fun
thinking there might be only one.

But I’m done trusting, sharing, caring.
If that’s what these weak feelings stir?
Hate for people big and small.
Hearing all the thoughts,
That rampaged,
Bouncing off the wall.

I knew they thought I couldn’t know,
The plans to use
Abuse my soul.
But deceived a game played well,
Too late when you returned,
To drain the vein or vain.
Nothing more than gruesome pain.

ENJOY.

Flop house freedom

I remember a time when I craved the freedom.
The flophouse,
The friends who worked first avenue.
That feeling I got from the runaways.
I envied them living free.
Free from the cares,
Will my mom and dad worry,
Wishing they were dead so I could be free.
I still have that yearning;
In this early rain of spring;
To escape from those who need me
To just be,
Here
For them.
Security they seek
In my firm foundation.
A fixture that they can see
When they close their eyes.
Reality proves that it’s not their eyes
That need to know where I am.
It’s their hearts that crave
My chained devotion.
Forever caged my soul cries to flee.
To find that freedom
The flophouse above ‘The Smoke Shop’.
The smokey bar with a cigarette machine
Ladies with raspy voices
Drinking whiskey at noon.

notes

is it simply more that I am supposed to think, these thought of prostitution for survival. No not me but the one that gets my motor running. I’m not supposed to talk about it or he will disappear. I don’t care. I understand comfort zones and I don’t really understand my connection with him other than some backwards biblical crap that intrigued me in the beginning, even though I don’t see it as a reality. I remember Gonzo… from the flop house in Ballard. he worked the streets and I think I was in love , kind of , with him. I wish he had stronger feelings for me ,in a way, . They say that it is happening. I don’t feel the need to be with him all the time, or to know what he does. I just like having him here with me from time to time. I want his trust and recognition of my commitment for the sake of how long he’s been in the back of my mind, and that he really has made a big difference in my life. I don’t know how well we really get along. It’s a strange unspoken bond. And I think it is what I’ve been searching for. Maybe it is the fairy tale of past lives that intrigued me. They say he’s not a happy person. that he doesn’t like himself. his poetry reflects this and I can relate. the familiar life draws us back to things , places, that feel comfortable. I know this is ( if whats in my head is truth) what he is magnetically drawn to seek. He has a place with me if he needs it especially if he wants it. I don’t judge. Of course I have to worry but he shouldn’t have to know that. I trust that he knows how to protect himself. I wish I could meet Rosie . she could come stay with me. I don’t know if he knows who I really am, my vulnerabilities, the life i used to crave as a kid. the flop houses and wishing that I had no one who worried about me, living day to day on my wits… free.
Funny how things have progressed since I wrote that. Maybe this was the reminder that I needed. a place and time made rosy through filtered glasses. but when face to face stirs feelings of frustration.

Hippy bitchday

Yonder flower wilts               in step.
With every misladen drip of water

From the baren field.

Resonates only lost              dispondence.

Too shallow to hold,               volume.                  Too vague to see,                 impertinence.
Too quick to judge,               the circumstance.

Not read or fed                  beyond the soil.

Sad to think.                        So influenced,
Through ignorance              in grained.
And heritage with still

it breeds,
Inside the brain restained.

FRIENDS

Friends ask friends to go on adventures. 

Friends hang out for a couple of days wandering around aimlessly

Friends have met your dog

Friends dont leave you on the lurch to hang with other friends

Friends introduce you to new friends

Friends don’t care if youre in a bad mood

Friends bring smokes or whatever is needed to help other friends out

Friends are mutually stimulating

Friends dont care if youre stimulating or not

Friends learn things about eachother and refer to those things often

Friends don’t make their friends feel worthless

Friends have fun together

Friends drop in unannounced

I miss having friends.

It felt like i almost  friends for a minute.

Until i realized my “friends” don’t want to hang out or do things with me.

I guess it’s me. Whatever FUCK OFF

SOMETIMES FRIENDS TELL EACHOTHER TO FUCK OFF.

Treason

They thought that this time
I was in it for love.
The time before
Money my motive
They Were wrong.

Before it was love,
But not like you’d think.
This time even choice
Was beyond my reach.
It’s in between lines
Where assumptions
Grow like weeds.
Time and time before,
In the past it played out.
Like this and like that
Veering way off course.

It played out because
I let it do so.
It sprang from
Their stories
The seeds that they sew.
I let them grow
Just to show they don’t know
Me or my path it is mine
Not to share,
dare to never expose.

Jump from this pendulum
Again as I still
And have tried before.
To get off of this ride.
To slide down,
Icy slope tied to the rope.

Fuck them and that dick
That they want me to suck
Or to fuck.
He’s retarded a sadist,
A drunk and a joke.
So they make him seductive
In that TV show.
A sick motherfucker,
Blood craving
His hands ’round my throat.
I see what they do,
How they do it
Just so.
To entice me to fall
In his lap and his hands
Make me dead.
What they’ve striven for,
What they’ve planned.

I was wrong on a few counts
Of which I confess,
Now that things have
Transpired in the manner
I had wished.
Im talking about thoughts
Ideals and change.
The course and the growth
Humanities reign.
It’s quite a long process,
Painful for sure.
A change that they thought
We would never endure.

Maybe the first one
Never did kill,
But the questions unanswered
Leave me questioning still.
For the opportunity
Was there all along,
And the circumstance
Played in step,
After the call.

God damn it how long,
And how hard,
Did they try?
From day one,
Out to hurt and coerce
Me to run.

I am the victim.
I hate to admit,
That word I can’t stand,
Makes me want to vomit.
Terrorism at it’s finest,
Every friend that I had.
Not a single soul gathers
My fate in their hands?

I understand now,
It will play out like this.
If it doesn’t,
They won’t stop
This tasteless nonsense.

Tired of TV, music and news.
Tired of this inability
To choose.
No one chooses me,
Because their story says
One thing or another,
That I am so blessed.

The necessary evil
I will claim ’til I’m gone.
Not by choice,
Without reason.
My pride to bare.
Won’t follow another,
True in it’s nature
Never for sale.

Others stuck on a concept;
The a lesser of two.
How weak and transparent
Not a nail but glue.
Not a lion,
Not a tie grrr
Not willing to bear;
The scars of an injury
No longer there.

I meant to come here
I really believe.
I know that you don’t care
If I would just leave.
I would if I could,
I can’t and I’ve tried.
Like a lost child it follows me,
Nowhere left for me to hide.

Maybe one that was buried
So deep in the past,
Has a clue and sees clearly
a measure to twist,
Creating a monkey wrench
Tied with a knot.
Not a knot but a not
From the gut
Sick and vile.

Time to let go.
Let it go through and through.
Leave it be,
play along,
Just be happy
You knew.

.

irresistible resistor

It slipped in through the circuit
Breaker trying to defuse the wires
Ones attached to those misguided
Form untimely message scribed
Actively transfer from a signal
Returned on negative black fetter,
only to be grounded again.
Not catching fire.

So genuinely seeking to disarm
A fuses refusal to knuckle
Under pressure from opposing
Forces brings no conductivity.

Though the switch is not engaged for traffic
This highway set up road
Blocks from many angles no
Way overload would blow this route.

With the circuit neutralized
Believe what makes the power
Grow to your heads too light inflated
Electric pulses flow at night.

Shadows bring the truth down from atop
The highest shelf where real or not
You were all wrong to think
The pulse not found outside the wires.

When this is where it all began.