Category Archives: Contemplation

New phone new life

You wouldn’t know that a new phone
Would make things change.
When I was young a new phone
Only meant that it looked
Or felt different in your hands.
Now a new phone is the difference
Between how fast you can surf the web.
Another term created in the past 20 years.
Or how many games you can download.
Whether you can download enough
Apps that can save or earn money.
If you cant afford a good phone
The money you can make with it is minimal.
Takes money to make money they say,
That is far more true than some one
with a cheap phone is even aware of.

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DELETED

Everywhere I look there’s nothing for me. They want to delete me. Everywhere that I’ve been, all gone, no schools, no where that I’ve worked, No doctors, no friends. They vanish in my past, there’s no sign of me. I’m invisible. So alone. Why would they do this to me? I’ve done nothing to them. All alone, I will forever be, you can count on that. I can’t cry for what’s lost, did it ever exist? It’s gone, it’s gone. Everything that I was is gone. Why bother doing anything when it will only disappear?

This must be how a ghost feels, I wanted to be a ghost… I thought it would be a fantasy, but alone forever is all that I know.
 
Everywhere I look there’s nothing for me. They deleted me. Everywhere that I’ve been, All the places are gone, no schools, nowhere that I’ve worked, No doctors, no friends. they vanish in my past, there’s no sign of me. I’m invisible. So alone, why did they do this to me? I’ve done nothing to them. All alone, I will forever be, you can count on that. I can’t even cry for what’s lost, did it even exist? It’s gone, it’s gone. Everything that I was is gone. Why bother doing anything, it will only disappear?

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My only regret

If I could go back
Do things differently,
The one thing I would have done;
Prosecute the bastard who,
Raped me.

I was naïve,
compared to most women my age.
As far as I knew.
I married a man,
For the future I thought,
We could have.

I thought he cared,
About me.
He said he did.
Just as I said I did.
I lied I didn’t know love.
He didn’t know how.

The first time he put his hands,
Around my neck I should have run.
He seemed to have a good head
On his shoulders.
But I wasn’t ever,
A priority in his plans.

When he ripped my dress off,
After arguing about sex,
And forced himself on me,
In tears crying for him,
To stop I should have run.
His story to my girls,
Their mom has twisted needs.

By that point
Cocaine was in control.
Keeping my mouth mute,
Keeping his will in charge.
I wanted children
A normal life for us.

He bought a gun from a friend
I was scared of him.
He came to my work,
With coke in hand,
To chase me around naked,
While my boss slept upstairs.
Graveyard shift at the
Emergency Seattle Veterinary hospital.

I begged him to let me be,
To let me do my work,
To allow me to enjoy life.
Instead his depravity took lead,
Fifteen hour a day for
Three plus days in a row,
Every week for almost three years.

Then we moved to start new.
It didn’t end.
I got pregnant,
Thought things would change,
They didn’t.
After giving birth it began,
Again and again.

We had to move,
Because The bills the rent,
Weren’t being paid.
My folks bailed us out,
Too many times to be proud of,
Once was a shame.

Then the next time we fell,
Our second had been born.
I began to go crazy,
Nervous breakdown,
Or conspiracy I believe.
He took my kids away,
From me and put himself on
A pedestal.
Joined AA so now he was better,
Than I since I was insane.

Don’t ever keep quiet
I did not want to cry victim.
I knew my choices were to blame,
But in the end he still,
Takes from me almost every day,
Inside my head.

The things he could be doing,
to destroy me or deprive me,
Right now I will never know.
Because I need peace.
I want out of this,
City this state.

He’s convinced the world,
That I am not worthy.
They know I deserve more,
So much more.
They won’t make it right.
Because I didn’t fight,
In time.

They plan to accuse me of killing myself.

Ok. So besides contriving how many stories that they’ve come up with already to cause me to fear someone trying to kill me , as that hasn’t worked yet, they created backstories as to why ;and on to, how these “friends” planned to kill me or cause me to kill myself.. When those stories failed still, create someone apparently searching for another searching for a pre-murderous someone…. Not me, not the one that is capable of exposing the entire bullshit maze of this fate twisting conspiracy; by turning the masses against the victim, by turning the self denying victim into the perpetrator. Because none of the other scare tactics have succeeded. I will be cut off SSI. When it reaches that point it will be too late. No one will hire me after that point. No one has ever cared enough about me to help me understand how to succeed. My success is anti-social. So society is rejecting my existence. Just like the cast system of olden time Africa… I will be banished. Because, I am more capable of what they disbelieved. And instead of conceding on it themselves, and admitting their wrongs, its a better idea to make someone who refuses to become “proud” and or boastful, as they all are… Which is B.S. because anyone who knows me knows my thinking and self esteem is grandiose, but in no way do I presume anything . oh yes besides that , lets tell her she can get away with murder. Which is BULLSHIT from any angle you want to view it from. Just put me in prison for killing Kris through a spell. But then all of you would need to admit that i am a witch. I no longer believe that. I know what we are capable of , and religion designed limitations upon humans. Then science designed limitations on religion, then humans designed limitations on science. Its the same backwards as forwards. I prefer to step outside of those parameters and when that happens , every school of thought turns against you. So ya Lyn go ahead and kill. You’re crazy so you can get away with it… Seriously, there is no way of observing this concept and believing it as well. I , first of all don’t wish to kill anyone, why make it easier on someone else, I want to see them all live to know how very wrong they have been all along. Ok so banish me. Fine. No one will pay me for sex, or hire me, or believe that I’m crazy enough to deserve SSI. Ya. I deserve compensation and retribution for insisted upon action to mind fuck game that started around the time I was born if not even before that. Maybe back around 1913… Sounds like a lovely year. Maybe somewhere between January 9th and June 5th. 

Honestly… I guess I don’t deserve a fucking goddamn thing for having my brains scrambled , brainwashing, programming, manipulated, for the profiting of others. Or even respect enough to acknowledge what I somehow have contributed to society as a whole ,as far as mental expansion to all of the worlds population. Not wanting to brag, I let them over and over believe me to be ignorant, uneducated, unbelievable, and unworthy. Pure failure. But that’s still not good enough. I must suffer. Lol… How that makes me smile. Make me suffer motherfuckers, tell me when it begins, because I won’t know.

No regrets here

Just because the motherboard is now sending transmissions and they think the other component is dead and no one will have the balls to take credit where credit is due. They think they can take full credit from a source whome is still very much breathing and almost ready to grab hold of the reigns. They will regret their choice!

What Inspiration Gave Her

She spent so much time
Wasted on things that were never done..

A visitor came to seduce
One day.

His name was Inspiration.
He only stayed
A very short time.

The gift he brought would last
Forever.

Her belly filled
For many months.

The day finally came
Bringing tears of joy.

She named her child
Invention.

The child called her
Mother.

To the rest of the world,
Who knew her,
They called her by her name.

Necessity was the mother
Of Invention.