Category Archives: Contemplation

American Stafford-shire

Dogs know when things are happening around their neighborhood, their reactions are what help alert their partners/ owners.
Several years ago there was a dog fighting ring in my “neighborhood”, several blocks away. Our pit-bull, Nevaeh had been acting a bit strange, nervous, and anxious when I took her out in the evening to do her duty, she was focusing on something beyond my perception. The next night or two I could hear what had attracted her attention, it sounded like dogs were in distress, but I didn’t think too much of it. A few days later there was an article in the paper, which I didn’t usually read but randomly decided to read that day. An article about a dog fighting ring several blocks away had been busted, thank goodness! Nevaeh was a rescue dog and had suffered some abuse in her 1st year of life, so it made sense to me why she had been acting so strange.
The other night, our dog, Sonic was acting strangely, as well as several nights before, now that I think about it, looking off the same direction as the incident previously had taken place. Last night, we heard the same sound of dogs barking. Sonic is an American Stafford-shire Terrier as well, 5 months old. Today I decided to walk him around- the neighborhood where we heard the barking last night at 1:30 am. there were a few places along the way where he got very agitated, sniffing the pavement relentlessly , running toward, and running away from certain houses.. etc… I could easily be making more of this than reality suggests, I am diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and my mind tells me stories, but much of the stories they tell pan out in the end, so I listen; entertained as well as curious; always with a grain of salt to purify and cleanse the thoughts extracting ‘grains of truth’. So anyway we continue on our walk and reach the interurban trail, a man, walked ahead of us, I noticed another man coming up behind us about 20 feet away from each other. We let the next man pass by, I didn’t notice any description until they were both walking ahead of us. They both had the same stride, hand positioning and I thought it seemed as if they were together but at a distance from each other. Now this would make sense as one hears about women being attacked on walking trails etc.
-But my worry was for Sonic, He is at the perfect age for those with distorted brains to try to acquire and train a Pit to be a fighter. Sonic is from a long line of American Staff dogs that spans several generations, and his father is really big, so is his brother Zeus from another litter, so my concern is that while he is young and naive, it would be the time these criminals would try to dog-nap him by attacking the owner, a frail looking middle age woman such as myself. Two men walking together would appear suspicious, but separately… not so much, I have known a lot of criminals in my life, and have learned the way they think and plan things and the ways they acquire what they want. The criminals in my circle were not the vicious type as far as I knew, the system has a way of turning those in desperate situations into criminals thus leaving them with no other choice than to commit crimes in order to survive, unable to rent, un-employable, etc…. But these people who fight dogs for monetary gain are the sickest type of criminal out there next to child molesters.-
Back to the second man, I decided to sit down on a grassy hillside as the second man stopped to “read a sign on a telephone pole re: a dog walker” then he turned to me and Sonic and asked me how old my dog was. I told him then he continued on his walk. I decided to hang back and just keep an eye on this guy so that he couldn’t follow and find out where we live. the trail continued toward a small park, as we followed the stranger, and he went toward the park. as we passed the park, I looked and did not see him in sight, then suddenly it was obvious he was standing behind a large tree as we passed by. so we left the trail and walked a different direction than our home, up the road. now this next part may be a bit far fetched, a (woman?) in a red Saturn, dodge shadow(?), drove by wearing ridiculous dark sunglasses, and what appeared to me as a dark brown wig,(it was dark and gloomy outside this afternoon) i concluded that perhaps she was connected to the men/ man. i decided to head toward home but to go a different way than would be obvious… I stopped to retrieve a treat for Sonic from my coat pocket and a car drove up with a different woman who stopped and asked me if I was alright, I told her I was just getting a treat out of my pocket for my dog, she said she stopped because i had my coat off, then continued to ask, “You wouldn’t be of the age to be having hot flashes would you? ” and I replied ( although the dog walk had made me sweat) Yes I was. then she said ” well, power on then, have a nice day.” with a smile of acceptance. now after walking half a block more we decided to retrace our steps and head home, Sonic became insistent to visit an elderly dog sitting across the road, I had been working with him on his manners using his leash as a drawstring around his neck for training purposes, leaving it loose for the majority of the time only to suddenly jerk on it when he pulls too hard etc… His strength is incredible at his young age I can only imagine how difficult it will be in the future to control him if I don’t insist on him behaving himself right now. As i struggled to make Sonic behave a man that lives a the corner came out to greet Sonic, we had met him and his dog Cooper a few times along the trail. He seemed to be checking the grip I had on Sonic’s neck, I hope he didn’t think that I was being abusive to Sonic.
As far as the stories in my head, I get an inkling that there are some folks concerned that I may be training him to be a fighter, that there is concern for Sonic’s well being.
A few weeks ago my brain stories were more to the affect that Sonic was supposed to work in the movies, One day out of the blue, I was walking him and told him to ” heal.” and immediately he obeyed! and continued to do so for the entire walk, This behavior is where the stories of ‘Hollywood actor dog’ came into my head. Some folks thought that I didn’t deserve to have such a dog and others simply want him as a means to monetary gain. At that time I started to worry about him being stolen. He is my daughters dog, but I love him and he loves me, I am his primary care taker, I am his “Gramma”. This is all very far fetched, but with my schizophrenia I have noticed things of this nature going on for the past 20 years. I don’t always think people are directly connected to one another, but I do believe that subconsciously we are connected and on an underlying level of reality we communicate with those within our Karmic circles clarifying misconceptions as well as accounting for the placement of individuals in time and space.

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New phone new life

You wouldn’t know that a new phone
Would make things change.
When I was young a new phone
Only meant that it looked
Or felt different in your hands.
Now a new phone is the difference
Between how fast you can surf the web.
Another term created in the past 20 years.
Or how many games you can download.
Whether you can download enough
Apps that can save or earn money.
If you cant afford a good phone
The money you can make with it is minimal.
Takes money to make money they say,
That is far more true than some one
with a cheap phone is even aware of.

DELETED

Everywhere I look there’s nothing for me. They want to delete me. Everywhere that I’ve been, all gone, no schools, no where that I’ve worked, No doctors, no friends. They vanish in my past, there’s no sign of me. I’m invisible. So alone. Why would they do this to me? I’ve done nothing to them. All alone, I will forever be, you can count on that. I can’t cry for what’s lost, did it ever exist? It’s gone, it’s gone. Everything that I was is gone. Why bother doing anything when it will only disappear?

This must be how a ghost feels, I wanted to be a ghost… I thought it would be a fantasy, but alone forever is all that I know.
 
Everywhere I look there’s nothing for me. They deleted me. Everywhere that I’ve been, All the places are gone, no schools, nowhere that I’ve worked, No doctors, no friends. they vanish in my past, there’s no sign of me. I’m invisible. So alone, why did they do this to me? I’ve done nothing to them. All alone, I will forever be, you can count on that. I can’t even cry for what’s lost, did it even exist? It’s gone, it’s gone. Everything that I was is gone. Why bother doing anything, it will only disappear?

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My only regret

If I could go back
Do things differently,
The one thing I would have done;
Prosecute the bastard who,
Raped me.

I was naïve,
compared to most women my age.
As far as I knew.
I married a man,
For the future I thought,
We could have.

I thought he cared,
About me.
He said he did.
Just as I said I did.
I lied I didn’t know love.
He didn’t know how.

The first time he put his hands,
Around my neck I should have run.
He seemed to have a good head
On his shoulders.
But I wasn’t ever,
A priority in his plans.

When he ripped my dress off,
After arguing about sex,
And forced himself on me,
In tears crying for him,
To stop I should have run.
His story to my girls,
Their mom has twisted needs.

By that point
Cocaine was in control.
Keeping my mouth mute,
Keeping his will in charge.
I wanted children
A normal life for us.

He bought a gun from a friend
I was scared of him.
He came to my work,
With coke in hand,
To chase me around naked,
While my boss slept upstairs.
Graveyard shift at the
Emergency Seattle Veterinary hospital.

I begged him to let me be,
To let me do my work,
To allow me to enjoy life.
Instead his depravity took lead,
Fifteen hour a day for
Three plus days in a row,
Every week for almost three years.

Then we moved to start new.
It didn’t end.
I got pregnant,
Thought things would change,
They didn’t.
After giving birth it began,
Again and again.

We had to move,
Because The bills the rent,
Weren’t being paid.
My folks bailed us out,
Too many times to be proud of,
Once was a shame.

Then the next time we fell,
Our second had been born.
I began to go crazy,
Nervous breakdown,
Or conspiracy I believe.
He took my kids away,
From me and put himself on
A pedestal.
Joined AA so now he was better,
Than I since I was insane.

Don’t ever keep quiet
I did not want to cry victim.
I knew my choices were to blame,
But in the end he still,
Takes from me almost every day,
Inside my head.

The things he could be doing,
to destroy me or deprive me,
Right now I will never know.
Because I need peace.
I want out of this,
City this state.

He’s convinced the world,
That I am not worthy.
They know I deserve more,
So much more.
They won’t make it right.
Because I didn’t fight,
In time.

They plan to accuse me of killing myself.

Ok. So besides contriving how many stories that they’ve come up with already to cause me to fear someone trying to kill me , as that hasn’t worked yet, they created backstories as to why ;and on to, how these “friends” planned to kill me or cause me to kill myself.. When those stories failed still, create someone apparently searching for another searching for a pre-murderous someone…. Not me, not the one that is capable of exposing the entire bullshit maze of this fate twisting conspiracy; by turning the masses against the victim, by turning the self denying victim into the perpetrator. Because none of the other scare tactics have succeeded. I will be cut off SSI. When it reaches that point it will be too late. No one will hire me after that point. No one has ever cared enough about me to help me understand how to succeed. My success is anti-social. So society is rejecting my existence. Just like the cast system of olden time Africa… I will be banished. Because, I am more capable of what they disbelieved. And instead of conceding on it themselves, and admitting their wrongs, its a better idea to make someone who refuses to become “proud” and or boastful, as they all are… Which is B.S. because anyone who knows me knows my thinking and self esteem is grandiose, but in no way do I presume anything . oh yes besides that , lets tell her she can get away with murder. Which is BULLSHIT from any angle you want to view it from. Just put me in prison for killing Kris through a spell. But then all of you would need to admit that i am a witch. I no longer believe that. I know what we are capable of , and religion designed limitations upon humans. Then science designed limitations on religion, then humans designed limitations on science. Its the same backwards as forwards. I prefer to step outside of those parameters and when that happens , every school of thought turns against you. So ya Lyn go ahead and kill. You’re crazy so you can get away with it… Seriously, there is no way of observing this concept and believing it as well. I , first of all don’t wish to kill anyone, why make it easier on someone else, I want to see them all live to know how very wrong they have been all along. Ok so banish me. Fine. No one will pay me for sex, or hire me, or believe that I’m crazy enough to deserve SSI. Ya. I deserve compensation and retribution for insisted upon action to mind fuck game that started around the time I was born if not even before that. Maybe back around 1913… Sounds like a lovely year. Maybe somewhere between January 9th and June 5th. 

Honestly… I guess I don’t deserve a fucking goddamn thing for having my brains scrambled , brainwashing, programming, manipulated, for the profiting of others. Or even respect enough to acknowledge what I somehow have contributed to society as a whole ,as far as mental expansion to all of the worlds population. Not wanting to brag, I let them over and over believe me to be ignorant, uneducated, unbelievable, and unworthy. Pure failure. But that’s still not good enough. I must suffer. Lol… How that makes me smile. Make me suffer motherfuckers, tell me when it begins, because I won’t know.

No regrets here

Just because the motherboard is now sending transmissions and they think the other component is dead and no one will have the balls to take credit where credit is due. They think they can take full credit from a source whome is still very much breathing and almost ready to grab hold of the reigns. They will regret their choice!