On your own

In the blink of an eye,
Every thing can change.
I have held you in my heart
And soul,
To protect and guide you,
On this wonderous journey of life.
Time passes quicker than memories reveal.
As things change,
My only hope is that your ability to adapt is stronger than the change at hand.
That you have learned,
How to weather any storm that you face,
To rise above and soar as an eagle.
May you find peace and joy on this journey.


A Raindrop

On Friday, July 13, 2012 3:09

Selfish it is to want freedom from love

Resenting that anyone cares

Wishing that only I feel my pain

For choosing to hurt myself without any gain.

Born alone you’re a gift from above

Cherished until you can stand on your own

Knowing the pain that the world shares with you

Is more painful to those that the world gave to you

I’m ok, ya I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Just leave me alone, I’ll

show you, you’ll see.

Like a raindrop we fall from the clouds to the ground, to nourish and

comfort the earth, and still we must leave ; return to

our birth.

New phone new life

You wouldn’t know that a new phone
Would make things change.
When I was young a new phone
Only meant that it looked
Or felt different in your hands.
Now a new phone is the difference
Between how fast you can surf the web.
Another term created in the past 20 years.
Or how many games you can download.
Whether you can download enough
Apps that can save or earn money.
If you cant afford a good phone
The money you can make with it is minimal.
Takes money to make money they say,
That is far more true than some one
with a cheap phone is even aware of.


Everywhere I look there’s nothing for me. They want to delete me. Everywhere that I’ve been, all gone, no schools, no where that I’ve worked, No doctors, no friends. They vanish in my past, there’s no sign of me. I’m invisible. So alone. Why would they do this to me? I’ve done nothing to them. All alone, I will forever be, you can count on that. I can’t cry for what’s lost, did it ever exist? It’s gone, it’s gone. Everything that I was is gone. Why bother doing anything when it will only disappear?

This must be how a ghost feels, I wanted to be a ghost… I thought it would be a fantasy, but alone forever is all that I know.
Everywhere I look there’s nothing for me. They deleted me. Everywhere that I’ve been, All the places are gone, no schools, nowhere that I’ve worked, No doctors, no friends. they vanish in my past, there’s no sign of me. I’m invisible. So alone, why did they do this to me? I’ve done nothing to them. All alone, I will forever be, you can count on that. I can’t even cry for what’s lost, did it even exist? It’s gone, it’s gone. Everything that I was is gone. Why bother doing anything, it will only disappear?

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My turn

Why did she ever
Say in jest,
“Send me a ticket
I’ll be your guest.”

It’s not like
She thought it would be,
A different trip.
Just the same old game.

Even the bug bites
To boot,
On her hands
And her face.

And feelings of guilt.
For not wanting
To cuddle with someone,
Who claims to be a friend.

A friend doesn’t try
To buy your affection.
A friend doesn’t need to.
It’s already theirs.

All the years,
That have passed,
Come rushing back.

All the mental torture,
Of the time she let them
Take control.
She doesn’t need
To remember how cruel,
They all have been,
To her without a reason,
Without cause.

Or maybe she does,
Will she ever learn.
Life has been good lately,
It should be her turn.

My only regret

If I could go back
Do things differently,
The one thing I would have done;
Prosecute the bastard who,
Raped me.

I was naïve,
compared to most women my age.
As far as I knew.
I married a man,
For the future I thought,
We could have.

I thought he cared,
About me.
He said he did.
Just as I said I did.
I lied I didn’t know love.
He didn’t know how.

The first time he put his hands,
Around my neck I should have run.
He seemed to have a good head
On his shoulders.
But I wasn’t ever,
A priority in his plans.

When he ripped my dress off,
After arguing about sex,
And forced himself on me,
In tears crying for him,
To stop I should have run.
His story to my girls,
Their mom has twisted needs.

By that point
Cocaine was in control.
Keeping my mouth mute,
Keeping his will in charge.
I wanted children
A normal life for us.

He bought a gun from a friend
I was scared of him.
He came to my work,
With coke in hand,
To chase me around naked,
While my boss slept upstairs.
Graveyard shift at the
Emergency Seattle Veterinary hospital.

I begged him to let me be,
To let me do my work,
To allow me to enjoy life.
Instead his depravity took lead,
Fifteen hour a day for
Three plus days in a row,
Every week for almost three years.

Then we moved to start new.
It didn’t end.
I got pregnant,
Thought things would change,
They didn’t.
After giving birth it began,
Again and again.

We had to move,
Because The bills the rent,
Weren’t being paid.
My folks bailed us out,
Too many times to be proud of,
Once was a shame.

Then the next time we fell,
Our second had been born.
I began to go crazy,
Nervous breakdown,
Or conspiracy I believe.
He took my kids away,
From me and put himself on
A pedestal.
Joined AA so now he was better,
Than I since I was insane.

Don’t ever keep quiet
I did not want to cry victim.
I knew my choices were to blame,
But in the end he still,
Takes from me almost every day,
Inside my head.

The things he could be doing,
to destroy me or deprive me,
Right now I will never know.
Because I need peace.
I want out of this,
City this state.

He’s convinced the world,
That I am not worthy.
They know I deserve more,
So much more.
They won’t make it right.
Because I didn’t fight,
In time.

It will never end

It. blows me away how they continue to misjudge me and what I am all about. It doesn’t matter if it’s close friends, my community, my country , or even the world at large. I’ve missed updating things here in writing over this past week, and I really should discipline myself for that faux pas..
I guess I will cut to the most recent chase: I was friended on FB by Vincent Allande(?) wtf? ok, so I agree to go to the park with him and his dogs. Well Vinnie, seems to have issues with discussing sex in a way that doesn’t cause him anxiety, I guess I was supposed to get naked and help him talk about sex .. All it did was bring me back to the anxiety I felt around Brett… INTENSE P.T.S.D. was not even funny in the least. He was a friend of Diane and Kelly.. Kelly stopped in when I was talking with Vin before the negative energy came to ruin the day. Although’7/10/17
Ok here’s more….

Mark bolt(Ballard)/Greg green(p.o.f.)(H.I.V +)not telling

Kristi warned me about Greg being abusive… But she was speaking of Green, this was when i was going to see Greg Sprague…

I had been talking to Green but had decided that i didnt want to meet him( he mentioned his dad setting him up w a trailor and he was talking about wanting me to move to the Ocean with him. That triggered stories of how i was going to move to ocean with some guy and i would be dead in 4 years. End of story. When this didnt happen, so he’s friends with a woman in Tacoma who is spittin image of Dougs girlfriend in MO FEONA BENNETT( LYNANNE Rene’e Bennett) her name (Marion Reene Grim) (Verano dated Grim( burned down house,introduced me to Greg Sprague))
Grandma(feona) also pictured as Grim with new baby in Tacoma…
Girl resembling kristi harper in everett at Dianes…. Singer on smule( triggered) looking just like (Lisa Karen Walker) on Greens fb lives in Juneau AK. (Liz… Kellys pt gf)

ways ive thought of so far how they were to kill me.
1: dead girl i 5 gallon barrel capital forest
2: pitbull scalp me dougs dog Aries in MO
3: Greg green by giving me A.I.D.S.
4: THROUGH mark Bolt
5: Drunk Ted….. Pope ‘animal kingdom’ he’s been bugging me to go to EMP with
him for years… My mind, after agreeing to go ; began to put 2 and 2
together, they( the government especially Democrats would know when Ted got on
the greyhound and thus would know that i was going to EMP with him,,, a
random mass shooting was going to occur at
EMP and I would be one of the casualties… since this did not happen, I was
to be re-evaluated by Social Security, but the paper work would be lost
because of misinformation on the return envelope, as well as the fact that the
Federal government is investigating Washington states system for conspiracy
fraud and cover up in the Social Security Department and DSHS. I did not
return the vendor invoice that i intended to, for being a personal
information vendor… The voices told me that Teresa B already had done this.
the envelope was opened by me, invoice for services rendered removed, then
resealed with 6 wax seals and was sent in on 7/5/17 not surprisingly,
on 7/11/17 a form stating that the information was never received and that I
now needed to be seen by Dr Parlatore. it said i had 14 days to return and the
envelope for that correspondence was sent on 6-23-17
6: Doug A. in Lakewood with Verano and Kim, were going to leave me there with
the Mexicans.. I caught up to them in hallway as they were scurrying away.
7: Not me but Ms Feonas grandson that I was supposed to think was my father
reincarnated…. was told they would sacrifice this baby if they don’t get
paid for their character study for the t.v. series ‘Animal Kingdom..
8: ish: I was told that the house used in this series was one that I designed
when I was in grade school.