Asides

My turn

Why did she ever
Say in jest,
“Send me a ticket
I’ll be your guest.”

It’s not like
She thought it would be,
A different trip.
Just the same old game.

Even the bug bites
To boot,
On her hands
And her face.

And feelings of guilt.
For not wanting
To cuddle with someone,
Who claims to be a friend.

A friend doesn’t try
To buy your affection.
A friend doesn’t need to.
It’s already theirs.

All the years,
That have passed,
Come rushing back.

All the mental torture,
Of the time she let them
Take control.
She doesn’t need
To remember how cruel,
They all have been,
To her without a reason,
Without cause.

Or maybe she does,
Will she ever learn.
Life has been good lately,
It should be her turn.

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My only regret

If I could go back
Do things differently,
The one thing I would have done;
Prosecute the bastard who,
Raped me.

I was naïve,
compared to most women my age.
As far as I knew.
I married a man,
For the future I thought,
We could have.

I thought he cared,
About me.
He said he did.
Just as I said I did.
I lied I didn’t know love.
He didn’t know how.

The first time he put his hands,
Around my neck I should have run.
He seemed to have a good head
On his shoulders.
But I wasn’t ever,
A priority in his plans.

When he ripped my dress off,
After arguing about sex,
And forced himself on me,
In tears crying for him,
To stop I should have run.
His story to my girls,
Their mom has twisted needs.

By that point
Cocaine was in control.
Keeping my mouth mute,
Keeping his will in charge.
I wanted children
A normal life for us.

He bought a gun from a friend
I was scared of him.
He came to my work,
With coke in hand,
To chase me around naked,
While my boss slept upstairs.
Graveyard shift at the
Emergency Seattle Veterinary hospital.

I begged him to let me be,
To let me do my work,
To allow me to enjoy life.
Instead his depravity took lead,
Fifteen hour a day for
Three plus days in a row,
Every week for almost three years.

Then we moved to start new.
It didn’t end.
I got pregnant,
Thought things would change,
They didn’t.
After giving birth it began,
Again and again.

We had to move,
Because The bills the rent,
Weren’t being paid.
My folks bailed us out,
Too many times to be proud of,
Once was a shame.

Then the next time we fell,
Our second had been born.
I began to go crazy,
Nervous breakdown,
Or conspiracy I believe.
He took my kids away,
From me and put himself on
A pedestal.
Joined AA so now he was better,
Than I since I was insane.

Don’t ever keep quiet
I did not want to cry victim.
I knew my choices were to blame,
But in the end he still,
Takes from me almost every day,
Inside my head.

The things he could be doing,
to destroy me or deprive me,
Right now I will never know.
Because I need peace.
I want out of this,
City this state.

He’s convinced the world,
That I am not worthy.
They know I deserve more,
So much more.
They won’t make it right.
Because I didn’t fight,
In time.

It will never end

It. blows me away how they continue to misjudge me and what I am all about. It doesn’t matter if it’s close friends, my community, my country , or even the world at large. I’ve missed updating things here in writing over this past week, and I really should discipline myself for that faux pas..
I guess I will cut to the most recent chase: I was friended on FB by Vincent Allande(?) wtf? ok, so I agree to go to the park with him and his dogs. Well Vinnie, seems to have issues with discussing sex in a way that doesn’t cause him anxiety, I guess I was supposed to get naked and help him talk about sex .. All it did was bring me back to the anxiety I felt around Brett… INTENSE P.T.S.D. was not even funny in the least. He was a friend of Diane and Kelly.. Kelly stopped in when I was talking with Vin before the negative energy came to ruin the day. Although’7/10/17
Ok here’s more….

Mark bolt(Ballard)/Greg green(p.o.f.)(H.I.V +)not telling

Kristi warned me about Greg being abusive… But she was speaking of Green, this was when i was going to see Greg Sprague…

I had been talking to Green but had decided that i didnt want to meet him( he mentioned his dad setting him up w a trailor and he was talking about wanting me to move to the Ocean with him. That triggered stories of how i was going to move to ocean with some guy and i would be dead in 4 years. End of story. When this didnt happen, so he’s friends with a woman in Tacoma who is spittin image of Dougs girlfriend in MO FEONA BENNETT( LYNANNE Rene’e Bennett) her name (Marion Reene Grim) (Verano dated Grim( burned down house,introduced me to Greg Sprague))
Grandma(feona) also pictured as Grim with new baby in Tacoma…
Girl resembling kristi harper in everett at Dianes…. Singer on smule( triggered) looking just like (Lisa Karen Walker) on Greens fb lives in Juneau AK. (Liz… Kellys pt gf)

ways ive thought of so far how they were to kill me.
1: dead girl i 5 gallon barrel capital forest
2: pitbull scalp me dougs dog Aries in MO
3: Greg green by giving me A.I.D.S.
4: THROUGH mark Bolt
5: Drunk Ted….. Pope ‘animal kingdom’ he’s been bugging me to go to EMP with
him for years… My mind, after agreeing to go ; began to put 2 and 2
together, they( the government especially Democrats would know when Ted got on
the greyhound and thus would know that i was going to EMP with him,,, a
random mass shooting was going to occur at
EMP and I would be one of the casualties… since this did not happen, I was
to be re-evaluated by Social Security, but the paper work would be lost
because of misinformation on the return envelope, as well as the fact that the
Federal government is investigating Washington states system for conspiracy
fraud and cover up in the Social Security Department and DSHS. I did not
return the vendor invoice that i intended to, for being a personal
information vendor… The voices told me that Teresa B already had done this.
the envelope was opened by me, invoice for services rendered removed, then
resealed with 6 wax seals and was sent in on 7/5/17 not surprisingly,
on 7/11/17 a form stating that the information was never received and that I
now needed to be seen by Dr Parlatore. it said i had 14 days to return and the
envelope for that correspondence was sent on 6-23-17
6: Doug A. in Lakewood with Verano and Kim, were going to leave me there with
the Mexicans.. I caught up to them in hallway as they were scurrying away.
7: Not me but Ms Feonas grandson that I was supposed to think was my father
reincarnated…. was told they would sacrifice this baby if they don’t get
paid for their character study for the t.v. series ‘Animal Kingdom..
8: ish: I was told that the house used in this series was one that I designed
when I was in grade school.

southern fried gizzards

I don’t really care who is on their side
passing imperfect product
as a farce these people have promise.
Since when do these have more than the others?
All of them that were let to slide
into the machinery ,
the grinder,
the wood chipper.
What made them less worthy of the help?

Oh SOLUTIONS I see
addiction counselors on vacation leave
They have not been any help
their story transparent as a raindrop.

Nothing assumed through their deliberations
Makes an ounce of sense nor will she
Comply bunk street drugs
To ease the weaning.
Back to sobriety why.
There must be some gain
Some payment agreed upon
Some vast prize for participation.
As for her just let her die.

This is why the others were denied.
They opened the entire book for her to see.
Outlined the characters.
One
Two and three.

It doesn’t matter.
She has no plan to give in.
She has no one to care about.
Your game will be in ruins.

As for prizes,
It’s pretty clear,
When everyone wins,
No one wins.
That’s why she’s going nowhere.

WHO IS THE MASKED MAN

A voice disguised
To protect the snitch,
Much to recognizable
For my memories to ignore.

A series resembling too closely
The circle of friends
That walked me through

They were there for me,
Was it to disguise motives,,
I still don’t get why.

I guess that I’m lucky,
The places I’ve been.
The people escorting me
Through a decade long maze.

None less than shady,
Of criminal mind.
The life indangered
Thought certain to be mine.

Setting me up for crimes.
When lost and confused
Seeking answers never given.
My innocense amused.

So easily
I could have fallen prey
To the games that they play
Leading me astray.

So many years later
It’s all surfacing
Why wait until now
Who’s getting paid?

peace of mind

If I could have one gift
The thing that I would cherish
Above  diamonds or gold;
In weight;
Recognition and admiration
From one who has sealed my fate.

Hurt is only mine because
All my efforts have been erased.
My motives ill-defined by most
Time not wasted to clarify.

Does anyone see me
Behind this guise
What I’ve proven over time
How i gave away my world;
Unsavory as it truly was;
To try to bring it back to right
Where people wouldn’t have to fight.

To live without a daily battle
Feeling happy without a struggle.

Money can’t and never could
Bring peace of mind to the unkind.
To them it always was a crutch,
Reasons to nag and rant and cuss.

Wondering when will it be enough,
To just relax,
Feel and hear
The wind on your shoulder,
Songs of birds flying near.

Feeling content without resent,
I’ve mastered this feat I guess to share,
With not a soul.
Because I’m not the one,
For whom all of the stories are told?

Nameless

The story goes on to say,
More of which she must take heed.
She’s not quite buying into it.
The circumstance of this misdeed.

She fell quite hard,
dropped to her knees.
That was yesterday.
Before those triggered
Thoughts sank in,
To possess their breeding ground.

Yes she was warned.
She has no need,
No interest,
In your greed.

Restitution the only wage.
This battle,
To rectify her goal.
Demands of those,
Who played it through.

No name was given to the clue.

And in itself,
Shown quite transparent,
The plans you’ve laid,
Are clearly screwed.
Thinly veiled in time,
Worn sheets.
Trying wont disguise,
What’s real and true.