Giving to her feeling,
Something but pain.
drizzled rain falls
The clouds feel nothing.

The touch is invisible
Who tries to care,
Like an imaginary knife
That severs the skin.

Far off it slithers
Among the dung,
To fester relentlessly
On someone else’s mind.

Imagine sorrow laughing,
As blood drips,
Without coagulation.
Treason never forgives.

Trust knows it’s boundry,
Line etched in the sand.
Vertual sarcasm echos
Off of the canyon walls.

Witch lies are swallowed.
Trust is as faulty,
Fear given cause.
Paving the way back.
A nightmare returns
From whence it sprang.


Societies misguided shift

It’s really quite amusing to watch what began previous to 1993 unfolding over the years, especially now, as my satisfaction was guarenteed against all of the odds. The claims laid to who I am. Me, no one of any great importance other than a keen sense of common sense coupled with more than adequate humility. Even when i should be bragging about an achievement I under rate myself. It has taken over two decades to allow myself recognician for a job well done. Even with that; I will commend all of the people who helped, in their misguided and mostly selfish ways. They expected to enjoy much laughter at my expense, and they did, but without their expectant humiliation that was intended to harm me, I never would have attempted such an ambition. I should have given in long ago, that would have been the smarter choice. I wasn’t finished though, and maybe I am still not through. Anyway back to the amusing aspects of which I spoke previously.

I was told that I had to make gold. That my only reward would be in achieving this. I knew better, because, why would I ever give up something that I worked so hard to create? Besides, what would be the price tag given to homespun gold? Certainly not nearly its worth. But that goal was conquered over a year ago in small incriments, never to be certified since those capable are inately aware that I must recieve bullshit where truth belongs, no assistance when needed, and a severe lack of empathy in general because i did this to myself.

This is where the funny part begins. I used to think that homosexuality was natures way of reducing the population on a dying planet. Knowing that my own interest in the occult (not sexuality in any sense) was a deviation, a crutch to assert power where none existed on its own. My dirty little secret. I never took issue with God being part of our nations pledge, i altered the words for my own benefit. I wanted to be unacceptable, odd, misunderstood. I found my power there, not by being “wiccan” where the claims are as charitable as a monkeys ass smells like vanilla beans. I wanted power, not money, not fame, and most certainly not love. Give me a break! Give up self to love? Never! But that’s where I failed. I gave up self, trying to make my marriage work when it was built on absolutely nothing of substance. I allowed my self esteem to be tarnished, by refusing to sink to any level trying to defend it. Why should I try to convince an idiot of my aptitude when they could never accept or see beyond their own inflated sense of self. So I let fools remain fools. And in doing so afforded too many others the same privilage… these people who claim to be LGBT may very well be, but they are seeking my reward. I am not, i might be considered bisexual or asexual, because i value both sexes, but the rumor indicates that I am most definitely gay. So, as a result in trying to claim my reward, they have all become gay. I am not. I wasn’t certain after my abusive marriage, I thought I could be wrong, and with an open mind gave women a shot, during a few threesomes,, but after trying, i know for fact that i am 100% heterosexual. I was a naive child, never molested, shy about sex and knowing little; still focusing on imaginary things when i got married. I never expected to suffer because I didn’t know any better. Never expecting my “husband”/ life companion, partner, better half(?); to treat me with the disrespect and disregard that he conducted on a daily basis, leaving my head spinning, unable to catch up and end it. I gave him excuses, in my own perception, not validated in any way from his words. Unfortunitely we never knew each other. I couldn’t guess his favorite color, the names of his pets his childhood ambitions, for the life of me. We were incompatable, toxic to one another from the beginning. My pride kept me entangled for too long. Where was self pride? I should have taken that modern dance class that I started, but that wasn’t me either. He said I wasnt heading in a direction, so I chose one, got educated in the field and achieved my goal. He , on the other hand, hadn’t accomplished a god damn thing and as a result of my success, we celebrated by becoming crack addicts, which ultimately led him to attempt suicide in our garage. Had I not returned and saved his life he would have died that night.

Regardless, i did begin to fall in love around the time that the forces that be decided to force the game on me. All the players were in place and all the plans decided. The only element missing was my participation, since I didn’t fall prey easily to the coo. I understood and explained the stratogy while at work one very slow saturday morning; at the (political) restaurant where I worked as a hostess. I was NOT aware that what i was discussing was really a thing, truth. I should have known since I had been questioned and given glimpses since high school. Oblivious would be the word. Not willing to believe that (I) would be targeted, i assumed most people could easily claim symetry with the vague. Why should I assume this was about me, in FACT it was not, until that saturday epiphany took place.

The Threat

I thought the threat was the one from before. I’ve come to realize that the only threat i face is my own vulnerability. If I trust what i know is a lie, i become prey to the deception woven around me for so long.

It’s funny how there really has never been anyone willing to stand by my side and give credit where credit is due.

This dog i love, he loves me, no one else is true or i never would have needed him. He gives me all the things that the human refuses to give me. So i will remember who it is whom i can trust..

I made this real, just as i made everything real. I don’t need them to admit a goddamn thing because even as it was their scheme, i made it happen. Self sabatague is my specialty.

You can not pawn me off , you have only one ally and until you see this, its done. I can continue the facade as i have. I’m used to living a lie. But my lie is truth.

American Stafford-shire

Dogs know when things are happening around their neighborhood, their reactions are what help alert their partners/ owners.
Several years ago there was a dog fighting ring in my “neighborhood”, several blocks away. Our pit-bull, Nevaeh had been acting a bit strange, nervous, and anxious when I took her out in the evening to do her duty, she was focusing on something beyond my perception. The next night or two I could hear what had attracted her attention, it sounded like dogs were in distress, but I didn’t think too much of it. A few days later there was an article in the paper, which I didn’t usually read but randomly decided to read that day. An article about a dog fighting ring several blocks away had been busted, thank goodness! Nevaeh was a rescue dog and had suffered some abuse in her 1st year of life, so it made sense to me why she had been acting so strange.
The other night, our dog, Sonic was acting strangely, as well as several nights before, now that I think about it, looking off the same direction as the incident previously had taken place. Last night, we heard the same sound of dogs barking. Sonic is an American Stafford-shire Terrier as well, 5 months old. Today I decided to walk him around- the neighborhood where we heard the barking last night at 1:30 am. there were a few places along the way where he got very agitated, sniffing the pavement relentlessly , running toward, and running away from certain houses.. etc… I could easily be making more of this than reality suggests, I am diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia and my mind tells me stories, but much of the stories they tell pan out in the end, so I listen; entertained as well as curious; always with a grain of salt to purify and cleanse the thoughts extracting ‘grains of truth’. So anyway we continue on our walk and reach the interurban trail, a man, walked ahead of us, I noticed another man coming up behind us about 20 feet away from each other. We let the next man pass by, I didn’t notice any description until they were both walking ahead of us. They both had the same stride, hand positioning and I thought it seemed as if they were together but at a distance from each other. Now this would make sense as one hears about women being attacked on walking trails etc.
-But my worry was for Sonic, He is at the perfect age for those with distorted brains to try to acquire and train a Pit to be a fighter. Sonic is from a long line of American Staff dogs that spans several generations, and his father is really big, so is his brother Zeus from another litter, so my concern is that while he is young and naive, it would be the time these criminals would try to dog-nap him by attacking the owner, a frail looking middle age woman such as myself. Two men walking together would appear suspicious, but separately… not so much, I have known a lot of criminals in my life, and have learned the way they think and plan things and the ways they acquire what they want. The criminals in my circle were not the vicious type as far as I knew, the system has a way of turning those in desperate situations into criminals thus leaving them with no other choice than to commit crimes in order to survive, unable to rent, un-employable, etc…. But these people who fight dogs for monetary gain are the sickest type of criminal out there next to child molesters.-
Back to the second man, I decided to sit down on a grassy hillside as the second man stopped to “read a sign on a telephone pole re: a dog walker” then he turned to me and Sonic and asked me how old my dog was. I told him then he continued on his walk. I decided to hang back and just keep an eye on this guy so that he couldn’t follow and find out where we live. the trail continued toward a small park, as we followed the stranger, and he went toward the park. as we passed the park, I looked and did not see him in sight, then suddenly it was obvious he was standing behind a large tree as we passed by. so we left the trail and walked a different direction than our home, up the road. now this next part may be a bit far fetched, a (woman?) in a red Saturn, dodge shadow(?), drove by wearing ridiculous dark sunglasses, and what appeared to me as a dark brown wig,(it was dark and gloomy outside this afternoon) i concluded that perhaps she was connected to the men/ man. i decided to head toward home but to go a different way than would be obvious… I stopped to retrieve a treat for Sonic from my coat pocket and a car drove up with a different woman who stopped and asked me if I was alright, I told her I was just getting a treat out of my pocket for my dog, she said she stopped because i had my coat off, then continued to ask, “You wouldn’t be of the age to be having hot flashes would you? ” and I replied ( although the dog walk had made me sweat) Yes I was. then she said ” well, power on then, have a nice day.” with a smile of acceptance. now after walking half a block more we decided to retrace our steps and head home, Sonic became insistent to visit an elderly dog sitting across the road, I had been working with him on his manners using his leash as a drawstring around his neck for training purposes, leaving it loose for the majority of the time only to suddenly jerk on it when he pulls too hard etc… His strength is incredible at his young age I can only imagine how difficult it will be in the future to control him if I don’t insist on him behaving himself right now. As i struggled to make Sonic behave a man that lives a the corner came out to greet Sonic, we had met him and his dog Cooper a few times along the trail. He seemed to be checking the grip I had on Sonic’s neck, I hope he didn’t think that I was being abusive to Sonic.
As far as the stories in my head, I get an inkling that there are some folks concerned that I may be training him to be a fighter, that there is concern for Sonic’s well being.
A few weeks ago my brain stories were more to the affect that Sonic was supposed to work in the movies, One day out of the blue, I was walking him and told him to ” heal.” and immediately he obeyed! and continued to do so for the entire walk, This behavior is where the stories of ‘Hollywood actor dog’ came into my head. Some folks thought that I didn’t deserve to have such a dog and others simply want him as a means to monetary gain. At that time I started to worry about him being stolen. He is my daughters dog, but I love him and he loves me, I am his primary care taker, I am his “Gramma”. This is all very far fetched, but with my schizophrenia I have noticed things of this nature going on for the past 20 years. I don’t always think people are directly connected to one another, but I do believe that subconsciously we are connected and on an underlying level of reality we communicate with those within our Karmic circles clarifying misconceptions as well as accounting for the placement of individuals in time and space.

On your own

In the blink of an eye,
Every thing can change.
I have held you in my heart
And soul,
To protect and guide you,
On this wonderous journey of life.
Time passes quicker than memories reveal.
As things change,
My only hope is that your ability to adapt is stronger than the change at hand.
That you have learned,
How to weather any storm that you face,
To rise above and soar as an eagle.
May you find peace and joy on this journey.

A Raindrop

On Friday, July 13, 2012 3:09

Selfish it is to want freedom from love

Resenting that anyone cares

Wishing that only I feel my pain

For choosing to hurt myself without any gain.

Born alone you’re a gift from above

Cherished until you can stand on your own

Knowing the pain that the world shares with you

Is more painful to those that the world gave to you

I’m ok, ya I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Just leave me alone, I’ll

show you, you’ll see.

Like a raindrop we fall from the clouds to the ground, to nourish and

comfort the earth, and still we must leave ; return to

our birth.

New phone new life

You wouldn’t know that a new phone
Would make things change.
When I was young a new phone
Only meant that it looked
Or felt different in your hands.
Now a new phone is the difference
Between how fast you can surf the web.
Another term created in the past 20 years.
Or how many games you can download.
Whether you can download enough
Apps that can save or earn money.
If you cant afford a good phone
The money you can make with it is minimal.
Takes money to make money they say,
That is far more true than some one
with a cheap phone is even aware of.