It’s really quite amusing to watch what began previous to 1993 unfolding over the years, especially now, as my satisfaction was guarenteed against all of the odds. The claims laid to who I am. Me, no one of any great importance other than a keen sense of common sense coupled with more than adequate humility. Even when i should be bragging about an achievement I under rate myself. It has taken over two decades to allow myself recognician for a job well done. Even with that; I will commend all of the people who helped, in their misguided and mostly selfish ways. They expected to enjoy much laughter at my expense, and they did, but without their expectant humiliation that was intended to harm me, I never would have attempted such an ambition. I should have given in long ago, that would have been the smarter choice. I wasn’t finished though, and maybe I am still not through. Anyway back to the amusing aspects of which I spoke previously.
I was told that I had to make gold. That my only reward would be in achieving this. I knew better, because, why would I ever give up something that I worked so hard to create? Besides, what would be the price tag given to homespun gold? Certainly not nearly its worth. But that goal was conquered over a year ago in small incriments, never to be certified since those capable are inately aware that I must recieve bullshit where truth belongs, no assistance when needed, and a severe lack of empathy in general because i did this to myself.
This is where the funny part begins. I used to think that homosexuality was natures way of reducing the population on a dying planet. Knowing that my own interest in the occult (not sexuality in any sense) was a deviation, a crutch to assert power where none existed on its own. My dirty little secret. I never took issue with God being part of our nations pledge, i altered the words for my own benefit. I wanted to be unacceptable, odd, misunderstood. I found my power there, not by being “wiccan” where the claims are as charitable as a monkeys ass smells like vanilla beans. I wanted power, not money, not fame, and most certainly not love. Give me a break! Give up self to love? Never! But that’s where I failed. I gave up self, trying to make my marriage work when it was built on absolutely nothing of substance. I allowed my self esteem to be tarnished, by refusing to sink to any level trying to defend it. Why should I try to convince an idiot of my aptitude when they could never accept or see beyond their own inflated sense of self. So I let fools remain fools. And in doing so afforded too many others the same privilage… these people who claim to be LGBT may very well be, but they are seeking my reward. I am not, i might be considered bisexual or asexual, because i value both sexes, but the rumor indicates that I am most definitely gay. So, as a result in trying to claim my reward, they have all become gay. I am not. I wasn’t certain after my abusive marriage, I thought I could be wrong, and with an open mind gave women a shot, during a few threesomes,, but after trying, i know for fact that i am 100% heterosexual. I was a naive child, never molested, shy about sex and knowing little; still focusing on imaginary things when i got married. I never expected to suffer because I didn’t know any better. Never expecting my “husband”/ life companion, partner, better half(?); to treat me with the disrespect and disregard that he conducted on a daily basis, leaving my head spinning, unable to catch up and end it. I gave him excuses, in my own perception, not validated in any way from his words. Unfortunitely we never knew each other. I couldn’t guess his favorite color, the names of his pets his childhood ambitions, for the life of me. We were incompatable, toxic to one another from the beginning. My pride kept me entangled for too long. Where was self pride? I should have taken that modern dance class that I started, but that wasn’t me either. He said I wasnt heading in a direction, so I chose one, got educated in the field and achieved my goal. He , on the other hand, hadn’t accomplished a god damn thing and as a result of my success, we celebrated by becoming crack addicts, which ultimately led him to attempt suicide in our garage. Had I not returned and saved his life he would have died that night.
Regardless, i did begin to fall in love around the time that the forces that be decided to force the game on me. All the players were in place and all the plans decided. The only element missing was my participation, since I didn’t fall prey easily to the coo. I understood and explained the stratogy while at work one very slow saturday morning; at the (political) restaurant where I worked as a hostess. I was NOT aware that what i was discussing was really a thing, truth. I should have known since I had been questioned and given glimpses since high school. Oblivious would be the word. Not willing to believe that (I) would be targeted, i assumed most people could easily claim symetry with the vague. Why should I assume this was about me, in FACT it was not, until that saturday epiphany took place.